I am writing this from a pitch-dark room inside a building that once was a moderately busy post-office in central New Delhi. This is a safe place as no one thinks of looking for someone clutching onto an extremely explosive document inside a defunct post-office inside a building in central New Delhi.

The need for utter safety and secrecy isn’t because I’m in possession of a blasphemous cartoon of Muhammad (PBUH) Ali, Fist-Artist Formerly Known As Cassius Clay, but because I accidentally have come across a 3-page plan that may have already reached media houses. If the points in this classified plan are implemented, then the noble and professional face of Indian media will be forever changed. And the beauty of this master-plan is that no one will ever come to know about this plan or even the massive change that it will bring in.

Here are the contents of this secret dossier which I quote fully without any changes:

NEW DIRECTIONS FOR INDIAN PRIVATE MEDIA (PRINT) TOWARDS GREATER RESPONSIBILITY, SELF-REGULATION AND NEW MARKETS

It has been noticed over the last decade or so, that no matter how good the news is about a new readership of Indian print media appearing and growing in metros and Tier 2 cities, it is a very different kind of content that this readership demands.

Unlike in the West, where mainstream print publications are showing a steep decline in circulation as well as generating advertisement revenues, in the Indian market we are at a stage where we can actually solidify and expand our markets.

To understand what specific content demands have developed from consumers, a survey conducted by Wagner & Tannhäuser between April and July 2012 across 14 metros and Tier 2 cities had the following questions for a sample size of 48 randomly-chosen newspaper readers all between the age of 16 and 30:

1) Reading newspapers and magazines makes you more intelligent and provides an 82% increase in the possibility of you getting a job (regardless of your qualification or skills) with a salary of Rs 80,000 or above a month. Would you continue reading newspapers and magazines?

2) Long reports and descriptive/investigative pieces – of 600 words and above – take up a corresponding 55% more time than when reading shorter reports and pieces below 600 words. The figure for time saved by reading reports and pieces of 400 words and less is an even more impressive 67%. As a result, busy people who make more money and/or live a more productive life read only content under 400 words irrespective of its subject or the quality. Would you prefer to read longer reports/pieces to shorter ones that just tell you what’s happened?

3) Are you at all interested in what is happening outside your city to bother about reading any international news that frankly doesn’t concern your lives?

4) Political coverage, despite being boring, is necessary to keep afloat – without pressure – the publication you read for its ads, cinema schedules, pizza discount coupons, job supplements and (to reread) celebrity tweets. So it doesn’t really matter to you whether publications print any confirmed or unconfirmed information on politics, does it?

5) Would you like the content of the publication(s) you read to keep only your tastes and interests in mind – as opposed to content that is published by people who seem to think better about what you should read?

These survey results were overwhelmingly clear-cut enough to be convincing about contemporary taste and demand in newspaper and magazine readership in India.

* 92% respondents said they want to continue to read news and opinions (and advertisements) through the print media.

* 95% want to read pieces under 400 words no matter what the subject or quality of content is.

* 98% do not want to read any international news.

* 89% don’t care what kind of political coverage is carried.

* 100% want to read only what they want to read and nothing more.

This landmark Wagner & Tannhäuser study – going against the findings of all prior subjective surveys of print media content usually conducted in league with content-providers/managers in media houses – has convincingly demonstrated that the readership is smart, canny and is, as a result, willing to leave any opinions and choice of news to the collective, hereon referred to as the Readership©, a simulated model created by those managing and producing print media content.

This radical, and till-now unconfirmed, discovery propels us to implement the following changes in all media publication strategies and procedures:

1) Run anything that will fill the pages (except content that will come into conflict with Point No. 2).

2) Political and business coverage will be according to whichever political and business organisation(s)/establishment(s) the publication is aligned to. In case of internal differences within the political and business organisation(s)/establishment(s), the senior management can take a vote that should be settled by the socio-remunerational proximity of the individuals to the said organisation(s)/establishment(s).

3) International news will be limited to entertainment, travel and lifestyle pieces (except when content pertains to Point No. 2).

4) No content should be above 400 words.

5) The reader should be constantly reminded that the content that he is provided is what he demands.

6) Content-providers (in some circles known as journalists, photo-journalists, illustrators and designers) with other ideas than the ones enumerated in Points 1-5 and 7-10 should be encouraged to only provide their content for a website whose address will not be available to readers of the print editions. If this fails, they can join the Press Trust of India, the United News of India, the All India Radio, Doordarshan, the Indo-Asian News Service or the personal staff of Press Council of India Chairman Markandey Katju. A letter of recommendation with the phrase “has shown great potential” can be provided, the aforementioned phrase letting on to the potential future employer that employing him or her will be a great liability.

7) At no point will the Readership© be told about any of these points, barring, of course, Point No. 5.

8) Any senior member of the management or content provision team hankering for “quality content’” should be allowed to speak freely and his opinions should be taken on board as they will, almost certainly, be in sync with the points elucidated above anyway. In case they aren’t, they should be lauded for their taste and wisdom and some mention about the unfortunate quality of the Readership© should be made while extolling the virtues of foreign publications that they rave about.

9) Maintaining a very basic allotment of resources towards content-gathering and content-management (adjustable only to inflation) should enable increased resources to be ploughed to the marketing and the distribution of the product.

10) If the Readership© complains too much about the content, even it is constantly told that this is the content it demands, the Readership© must be changed.

The document is unsigned but there is a list of names marked that alphabetically are…

[A whirr is heard in the dark and I am neatly decapitated by a large Sudarshan chakra-like serrated disc even as my fingers are holding on to the phone I was using to type. Damn screenlight from my BlackBerry! Rolling sound, followed by a gentle thud.]

Image Source: [http://www.flickr.com/photos/86979666@N00/7402945976/]