Founding partner of Small Screen and newslaundry, Abhinandan Sekhri was a researcher at Newstrack and went on to become a reporter, always managing to do the story that was dropped. He scripted the political satire shows The Great Indian Tamasha and Gustakhi Maaf on NDTV’s news channels between 2004 and 2009. So he thinks he’s funny. Thinks!
‘AAP’ ka Rahul
With inputs from Aastha Manocha
New Delhi: In a surprising development, Congress’ erstwhile-scion Rahul Gandhi has applied for membership of the Aam Aadmi Party. Reports say, annoyed at being nagged by his mother and party members to “take more responsibility”, adolescent Rahul – the poster boy for young India (not the underwear-banian, but a nation that is young) – left home in a huff. Sources close to Rahul claim he wants to be treated as “just another boy” without the baggage and responsibility of the party or nation on his young yet broad shoulders. Our sources also tell us that his Pakistani counterpart, PM-in-waiting Bilawal Bhutto asked the young Gandhi to come to Dubai so they could bond over the irritation of being forced to grow up before nature intended. The meeting could help them form a rapport to ensure they’d be able to resolve all Indo-Pak issues including Kashmir within a week of them assuming power when they are older and ready. Our readers might recall that Bilawal Bhutto is in Dubai after a similar altercation with his father Asif Ali Zardari.
Sadly, this was not to be. Rahul couldn’t take the flight to Dubai because of security concerns at Delhi’s international airport, T3. Reports claim that Rahul insisted on being frisked at the check-in like all aam aadmis because he claimed he is “just another boy” and should not get any special treatment in a democracy. Senior CISF security at the airport intervened and said that is unacceptable and they will not treat him like “just another boy” because he is not an aam aadmi. Outraged, Rahul said that if they would not do their job he will do it to prove he is in fact an aam aadmi.
To ensure equal treatment the handsome Gandhi started frisking himself in a manner so thorough that it demonstrated how seriously he takes security concerns. Security experts who saw the CCTV footage say Rahul’s meticulous way of frisking himself was much more effective and comprehensive than that done by the CISF personnel at airports. However, this caused disruption and flight delays as passengers and crew of other flights rushed to get a glimpse of this security demonstration by Rahul. There were cases of stewardesses abandoning their aircraft to watch Rahul Gandhi frisk himself at the security gate. One is quoted to have said, “Rahul search your dimples, my heart is in there somewhere”. There were conflicting views by security experts and former CISF chiefs on whether this was possible. Security analyst Maroof Raza felt that Rahul’s dimples while deep enough to maybe conceal a small firearm or minor ammunition were not in fact large enough to accommodate a human heart. Medical experts claim that even if Rahul Gandhi’s dimple could in fact conceal the said lady’s heart it would be medically impossible for her to live without a heart. Narendra Modi disagreed with medical experts on this issue.
Meanwhile, Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde has ordered an inquiry against the woman’s allegedly false claim of her heart being stolen and concealed in his dimples by Rahul Gandhi. If found to be guilty of falsely accusing the Congress scion, the stewardess faces a prison term of up to two years. Justice Katju initially was noncommittal on whether he would plea for mercy on her behalf. However, he said he would reconsider on the said stewardess’ commitment that she would do a minor role or an item song for Sanjay Dutt’s upcoming film.
Meanwhile some mischievous elements at the airport shot a video clip of Rahul Gandhi frisking himself and the video has gone viral on the internet. Forensic experts say preliminary examinations suggest the clip was shot on a Nokia phone. Nokia has issued a press release expressing shock at the allegation that anyone still uses Nokia phones. IT minister Kapil Sibal said the internet could be blocked under section 66A of the IT act as this threatens national security. The frisking methods used by Indian CISF personnel are top secret and cannot be made available on the net like this, he claimed. Notices have been sent to Youtube, Google, Facebook and Vimeo. The notice worded personally by IT minister Sibal reads, “As per the powers vested in me as per Article 66A of the Information & Technology (IT Act 2000 & IT Amended Act 2008), you are hereby advised that
Jigar humne tumhein diya bandwidth bhi di be-intehan.
Humari mohabbat ka ye achha sila diya hai yahan.
Kar lo saaf ye video har server se. Jod do dard-e-dil.
Warna zero loss chhodo, zero profit bhi ho jayega mushkil.
Please respond to this notice within 24 hours with appropriate action taken report.
Kapil “Shayar Mizaj” Sibal.
P. S. you are free to upload my poetry on any and every page and server on the internet.”
At the airport, in the meantime, CISF personnel came down heavily on Rahul Gandhi and restrained him from frisking himself. CISF officials said this was not because of the near stampede or flight delays as crew and passengers flocked to the site of the incident but because Rahul Gandhi, the General Secretary of the Congress and PM-in-waiting, will not be frisked under their watch no matter who tries to frisk him – even he himself. This is against their security brief. The alert and vigilant men in uniform at the airport would have none of this treating Rahul Gandhi like an aam aadmi. CISF spokesperson said that after what happened in the Maharashtra assembly with an erring police officer it’s clear that all security personnel be very careful about whom to treat how.
Since Rahul refused to board the flight without being frisked and he was stopped from frisking himself, the flight left without him and Bilawal Bhutto was left waiting outside Dubai International Airport. Solving Kashmir just got a lot harder.
Unable to board the flight and unable to be treated like an aam aadmi, Rahul Gandhi decided to join the Aam Aadmi Party so he can be a bona fide aam aadmi. He reached the party office and filled the party membership form. This was too much to digest for fasting party convener Arvind Kejriwal. He is said to have shot off a letter to Sonia Gandhi and Sheila Dixit stating that charging the aam aadmi too much for power by the government and distcoms was bad enough, but Congress leaders trying to steal power from the Aam Aadmi is ridiculous. However, Rahul insisted he be registered as an Aam Aadmi party worker.
Here too, he was let down as volunteers of the Aam Aadmi Party were not sure if he is in fact a bona fide aam aadmi because in case the government orders an audit of their party and Rahul Gandhi’s name shows up, the Election Commission could cancel their party registration for misrepresenting facts and hiding khaas aadmis in their ledgers of aam aadmis.
In the meanwhile, Digvijay Singh has been admitted to hospital. Doctors say it’s to do with a broken heart. Oddly enough he was found dressed as an airline stewardess.
Experts tell us such incidents are commonplace on the first of April.