Parliament: At Wit’s End

For a crash-course in how not to crack a joke, log onto the Lok Sabha website’s Wit and Humour page.

WrittenBy:Ranjan Crasta
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Winston Churchill was famous for his witty repartee on the floor of the House of Commons. One much-repeated anecdote involves an exchange between him and Lady Astor, the first woman MP in the House of Commons. “Mr Churchill, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your tea”, Astor had said. To which Churchill had replied, “Madam, if I were your husband…I’d drink it”. Similar stories are told of statesmen the world over who use the bite of a well-worded remark rather than resort to unintelligible barking.

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This trait of witty repartee, however, seems non-existent in the Indian corridors of power. Exchanges between rivals in Parliament generally occur, ironically, in unparliamentary language. Even the more eloquent of our MPs tend to resort to below the belt name-calling and disparaging remarks whenever Opposition party members are involved.

However, while our politicians seem to be permanently disgruntled and unpleasant with each other, you wouldn’t think so if you looked at the official Lok Sabha website. There you would find an alternate universe, one which would like us to believe that our parliamentarians are actually stand-up comics in disguise and the Parliament is one big laughter club.

The Lok Sabha website has an entire section titled Wit and Humour which lists out the lighter moments which punctuate Parliament. The section quickly runs out of both and instead ends up with a smattering of poetry in various regional languages. It also drives home the fact that Parliament is not one big joke. Far from it. It is in fact a series of small, equally unfunny jokes. And unlike the effect of the government on us, these jokes will not bring you to tears.

The page harks back to Session II of the 15th Lok Sabha. Why Session I was skipped is unknown – could be because they were finding the right editor for the job. This is a job which seems to require someone of great mettle and very little humour and a penchant for writing not-so-catchy headlines.

The first “joke” is about Poltu or as we more fondly know him today, Mr President.

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The holistic nature of the closing statement should not be ignored. The “whole House enjoyed the witty remark”. This is what happens when you allow “comediennes” like Sidhu to enter Parliament. Parliament starts resembling Comedy Circus.

But President Poltu, then the Honourable Finance Minister, was on a roll and nothing was going to stop him from entertaining the house. Not even the depressing nature of the Finance bill.

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And while Mukherjee was losing his hair, the rest of India was pulling theirs out thanks to the Finance Bill.

We cut now to Session III, a dull session to say the very least because the court jester’s position was taken over by Mr Green himself, Jairam Ramesh.

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While listed as a repartee, one can only speculate that the concerned chronicler (and no, I don’t mean chronicler concerned), bored witless by now was desperate for at least a single moment of wit to justify his employment. How do we know that this wasn’t really funny, other than for the obviously lacking sense of humour? There’s no mention of the House “bursting into laughter” or “enjoying the witty remark”.

Session IV seems to have been even more deadening. The sole moment of “wit” came when Speaker Meira Kumar lost her patience during Question Hour.

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We really expected better from the The Joker’s doppelganger. But Ms Kumar, after all that you’re put through in Parliament, maybe this is the best you could muster.

And where there is humour and Comedy Circus, how can Lalu Prasad Yadav be far behind?

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Going by the lack of updates, there was obviously no humour in Session VI. Or it could be that the editor of the section had died of boredom and they were busy finding his or her replacement. The humour seemed to have returned in session VII.

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Finally, after six sessions of Parliament, we’ve finally found a minister capable of eliciting a laugh for the right reasons. Granted it wasn’t spontaneous or original but when compared to Pranab Mukherjee and Jairam Ramesh this is a veritable laugh riot. If wit and humour was sparse in Session VII, it was wholly absent in Session VIII.

We are guessing the editor was replaced by someone new, because the new person seems to find everything funny. Also, he seems to be a lover of the national language, so only Hindi jokes are recorded. Here are some of the gems which were included.

On 13 12 2011 Shri Hukmadev Narayan Yadav made the following comment when commenting on the Railways had this to say-

                  “AC two tier ke baad AC first aa gaya, AC three ti-er aa gaya, uske saath saath sleeper class aa gaya. Sleeper ke baad ek class aur aagaya jiska naam hain thasathas class.”

So why was this listed as a joke? Probably because when you’re in your 1st AC compartments it must be absolutely hysterical to think about all those poor sods who put you in power travelling in the most torrid of conditions. After all, one man’s misery is another man’s… wait! That’s not how it goes!

And once the Hukmadev Express gets rolling there’s no stopping him as evidenced by the following railway themed fail…

On 13 12 2011 Shri Hukmadev Narayan Yadav made the following comment when commenting on the Railways had this to say-
“ Railway mi yatra karte samay bataya gaya ki istrain mein ek saloon bhi laga hain. Maine socha ki bahut achchha hain saloon laga diya toh zara dadhi banwa len, lekin waha bataya ki yeh dadhi banwane wala saloon nahin hain, isme toh railway board ke adhikari chalte hain.”

This joke is followed by this.

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What’s heartening is that our ministers have not just the intellect of teenagers, but also the same sense of humour. At least something to compensate for their lack of chronological youth. Session X onwards there are no jokes narrated. Why? As we’ve all seen our Parliamentarians seem to think they’re quite the laugh riot.

The reason for the lack of updates on the website could also be because now ministerial utterings and functioning seem like a never-ending joke on us. Why read about it when you can just live it. Despite all I’ve written, I’m off to draw up an application for the post of Chief Wit and Humour Editor, though. For which I’ll be watching Lok Sabha TV really closely to watch what makes the “whole House burst into laughter”.  Stay logged on to Parliament’s Wit and Humour page till then.

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