The Secret Diary of MMS, Aged 81¾ : Katju Special

Excerpts from the secret diary on the Katju controversy and Modi's "wastecoat". So now we’ll know.

WrittenBy:Shovon Chowdhury
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Wednesday, July 16.

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The BRICS leaders look so happy together. It’s as if they’ve forgotten me. Sent Putin a smiley, but he never replied. Dilma looked depressed. The bills for the World Cup must have started coming in.

Am missing the limelight. Those moments before going on stage, while Madam adjusted my turban. Bush sending me messages like “Doc, you look handsome tonight”. Kapil reading me inspirational poems, not knowing that I was wearing earplugs. Happy days!

Told Gursharan about this. “Be careful what you wish for”, she said.

Thursday, July 17.

This Vaidik case is very clear. He stole Modi’s waistcoat. Realising his mistake, he ran away to Pakistan and begged Saeed for protection. Saeed may be evil, but he’s not mad, so he refused. It’s so obvious.

Speaking of Modi, he’s ballooning alarmingly. He needs to go easy on the khakra. Even Gadkari and Jaitley have expanded a lot. Hope AgustaWestland deal goes through. They’re going to need bigger helicopters.

We were much fitter, thanks to inspiration from Robert. Salman even wanted to buy a motorbike, but I managed to stop him. Plus Madam always served very small portions of pasta.

Friday, July 18.

Dr. Harsh Vardhan is against condoms but he supports gay people. This means he’s not against all sex. Am beginning to understand his strategy on family planning.

The IT Department has asked Delhi Gymkhana to pay luxury tax. Raids may be conducted if they don’t pay up. They really should be more careful before rejecting membership applications.

From Maharashtra to Assam, there are rumblings of discontent against Rahul Baba. Am so proud of him. Despite such disloyalty, he is smiling all the time.

Saturday, July 19.

Saw Pranab at a temple, shirtless. What is wrong with him? At his age, should he be risking his health like this? Deeply concerned. It’s as if he wants Advani to become president.

Bihar Minister Vinay Bihari, who went to jail for composing obscene songs, is worried about rape. He thinks non-veg food and smartphones are causing it. It’s understandable. As Culture Minister, he prefers to use music.

Who says Rahul Baba is not inspiring anyone? Following Rahul Baba’s example, our Chief Minister in Karnataka is also taking naps. Implementation remains a problem, though. Ideally he should have done it during a discussion on fertiliser.

Sunday, July 20.

What a fine, upstanding officer the Bangalore Police Commissioner is! I saw him on TV, telling people that he couldn’t disturb the school authorities in the rape case because it was Sunday. Also that he cannot proceed against sex offenders without written complaints. Without proper procedure, where would we be?

Omar Abdullah has ditched us! Saddened. Went through my old photo album. So many pictures of Rahul Baba and Omar Baba, side by side, wearing identical clothes. Sometimes they wore identical hats, although naturally Rahul Baba’s was slightly bigger. They look so happy together. Reminds me of Sholay. Tried to call Farooq, but he was still recovering from his Wimbledon trip. Too many strawberries, I’m guessing.

Something needs to be done about this National Herald case against Madam and Rahul Baba. The nation must be distracted. We must find fresh questions for Arnab. Discussed this with Kapil. He agreed. “You may have to play a role, Manmohan”, he said. I told him that he could rely on me.

Am going to get a role again! It’s so exciting!

He’s promised to do something by tomorrow.

Monday, July 21.

The modernisation of education, which was begun by me, is continuing. The Staff Selection Commission is asking innovative questions in their exam. One of them was, “Who is taller – Deepika, Katrina, Huma or Preity?

I think we can rule out Preity. About the other three, I’m not so sure.

The torture of my former colleagues is also continuing. The Power Secretary has been transferred to Mizoram. The Health Secretary has been transferred to Andaman. It’s inhuman. Neither place has proper golfing facilities.

Katju has made allegations about some judge. I knew this would happen when he went off his medication. Who is going to believe such a person? I predict everyone will ignore him.

Tuesday, July 22.

Terrible news! The Katju case is all over the place. Was horribly embarrassed by Bhardwaj. He actually said, live on national television, that I had told him to take decisions independently. Called up Madam to tell her that this was not true. She was very understanding.

It’s such fun to be interviewed again! It was just like old times. A girl from CNN-IBN came to see me. Before I went in, Priyanka came and adjusted my turban, and applied some powder to my face. Was touched.

Did a great job. Made it clear that I had nothing to do with it.

Thanks to my expert handling, I’m sure this thing will blow over now.

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