Why I must bully and outrage on TV: A news anchor on role-playing in the studio

The louder and more obnoxious you are on TV, the more people notice you.

WrittenBy:Anon
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Oh my God… you’re that TV news person, aren’t you?!”

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 I stopped in my tracks, partly because the person who had shrieked in the middle of the road was quite attractive and also because her two friends were as startled as me by her excitement. Wanting to eliminate the possibility of the young woman having seen either a better-known TV journalist like Rajdeep Sardesai or some other such regular news face around the corner, I asked her if she meant me.  She nodded, and I, in my best false modest aw shucks voice, replied,Yes, it’s quite possible you saw me on TV.” With that I walked on, leaving the three young women to themselves.

I walked a few steps further to the ATM, my original destination, concluded my business and walked back. It was during my two minutes in the ATM that a thought struck me. By the general vibe of the young lady, who had seen me on TV, I could tell she was impressed with what she had seen. It appeared that she had liked my shows where I “play” a rather over-the-top, perpetually outraged character (more on that later).

What struck me as strange that the avid news-watcher, despite having registered my work on her radar, had no idea what my name was. As I retraced my steps back toward my car, I thought I’d mention it to the girls who were still standing at the spot of our encounter. So I casually threw a “I have a name you know” their way and also added my best eyes rolling imitation of the TV news person guy” identity. I made sure she heard that and kept walking. Before I stepped back into my car I heard a half-hearted Oh I was just so excited to see you I forgot what it was”.

Now, that actually makes sense. How exactly? Well, consider this; the character I play on TV constantly makes wild hand gestures, flares his nostrils, pumps his fists and tries to bully politicians and other “experts” on his shows. In an ideal world, it would be my dream job, a kind of desi Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert, on his erstwhile show, ‘The Colbert Report”, used cable news to expose the hypocrisy and fear mongering of mainstream media in the US, both on the Right (Fox News) and on the Left (MSNBC).

But unlike Arnab’s imaginary nation that always wants to know something that only he can haphazardly semi-articulate, at least Colbert’s nation (his loyal viewers) know that ultimately his persona of a Right-wing conservative TV pundit is not just a masterful representation of well-known Conservative yahoos like Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly but also an exposé of the “narrative” that has replaced “independent fact-based reportage” otherwise known as responsible journalism. Unfortunately in India, loyal viewers of TV news can’t make this distinction. Why?

It’s because in a post-Arnab Goswami world of TRP wars the only thing that is deemed fit to work and is sought after is the chest thumping over-the-top jingoist who believes that wearing a flag pin proves and reiterates “patriotism”.  The new criterion for becoming a shining star in the rapidly shrinking space of fact-based meaningful journalism is to be your best version of a high-on-jingo-juice flag-wearing, Pakistan-bashing persona, constantly outraged at everything frothing at the mouth “patriot”.

Now, modesty be damned. I consider myself to be a very capable actor so playing this character is an cinch for me. But getting back to the opening sequence:  I kind of understood why the young lady didn’t know my name but knew who I was and what I did. It’s because when she saw me on TV, she saw me in a hugewindow”. (TV parlance for the space you occupy on a screen along with a far older panel of “experts” who are placed in much smaller windows.) Also, she must have seen me going at someone on an issue that must have been vaguely relevant to people who think the media is concerned about changing the status quo in the country. (Read middle class families that can afford a flat-screen TV and cable and consider themselves “educated” because they choose to watch English news channels instead of the Hindi channels, which have a far bigger viewership.) She also must have seen me take down either an establishment pundit on an issue where civic authorities, or in some cases, state governments become the favorite punching bags of news media. Or say, an opposition pundit who must’ve tried to defend the previous regime or disagreed with the pre-prepared idea of what is “acceptable behavior” as mandated by the powers-that-be.

I do not blame the young lady because TV news is all about that. Hardly anyone who watches this trash on TV (Yes, I am trashing my job, hence the anonymity. Look a man’s got to pay the bills somehow… now stop calling me a hypocrite, stop judging and read on) knows what the real issues concerning a news story are. And that’s not the fault of the viewer. It’s the news channels’ fault. They are least interested in the developments and concentrate all their energies on making every story “sexy” or appealing or TRP-worthy.

TV news has become a virtual visual-digest where bold fonts and over-the-top and often ridiculously exaggerated lines” (TV news lingo for the spin the channel gives to developments) dominate the screen. This warped idea of “grabbing eyeballs” originates from the biggest success story in TV news worldwide: Fox News, a narrative based propaganda outlet that masquerades as an alternative fair and balanced” media outlet but in reality has become the world’s leading conservative propaganda platform.

So why does everyone seem to be following this skewed idea of “jugaad journalism?”  Well, the answer is simple. It WORKS!  The louder and more obnoxious you are on TV, the more people notice you. The heightened “reality”, which in this case, is really the worst version of the truth that is presented as the truth by capable news editors slowly starts appearing “credible”. Like someone said, if you shout out lies from the rooftops enough times, at least some people are going to accept your screams as the truth.

So, the young lady saw the character I play and was so moved by what was happening on the screen, which looked exciting, she forgot to hear what I was saying. A little context here: despite the fact that I play a self-righteous indignant “people’s warrior”, I do try and slip in the real me off and on. I have to do it carefully so that I don’t break character but I get the point across. It’s not easy but I try. But lately I’ve started realising that I am fighting a losing battle. Everyone, including the young lady on the road, gets drawn in by the big bold letters on the screens first, then the sleek suits and ties that TV anchors wear and then the “performance”. Nobody…okay very few people actually listen to the questions I am asking. Which, despite the persona and the performance, I try and keep in the realm of facts. My more realistic, non-testosterone interventions get lost in the din of the WWE match that I referee. And the directives are clear: make people fight on TV. (“That’s what people want to see, boss! Or that’s what TV is all about, boss!”)

It’s because of this warped but extremely successful model of CTB (classic turd behavior) that the young woman managed to register me in the middle of a crowded marketplace. And it’s because of this, the character I play (let’s call him Lord Righteous Von Douchebaggenswagger) has a limited but dedicated viewership that thinks that this is who I actually am and the journalistic turds that I spread everyday on TV are the “best analysis” on TV. And not just for the geniuses who believe everything the mainstream media says is the gospel truth but also for a substantial portion of the educated, sane and discerning TV viewer. Like the nice young lady on the road. Oh, how I wish someone would let me do a Colbert.

If this comes off as a frustrated rant then it has served its purpose beautifully. Till next time ladies and gentlemen, this is your friendly neighborhood “TV news person signing off”.

Next week: call in shows and the lunatics I deal with.

The writer is a non-treacherous, non-traitorous, non-Naxal, non-jihadi, non-seditious non-flag-pin-wearing, non-Pakistan-loving, non-violent citizen of India.

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