Is it a man? Is it an angel? Is it a floating sofa? No, it’s businessman, singer and viral sensation Taher Shah.

On April 8, Pakistan launched its most deadly weapon of mass destruction: a new Taher Shah song and video. What did we do to invite this onslaught? Some may suspect Pakistan saw Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh – with his bejewelled hirsute arms, velvet and lycra designer wear and dodgy singing talent – and raised us a Taher Shah, but Shah precedes Singh as far as internet fame goes. In 2013, Shah rose to stardom with his Eye to Eye and ever since, his fans have been eagerly anticipating his next musical move. It took three years, but arguably, the wait was worth it.

On March 21, @TaherShahOfficial announced the “new look” of his upcoming release.

Who is this figure in purple? Why do they have chart paper wings and an E-shaped twirly tail? This image should have prepared me for what was to follow: Angel. Once you see it — and yes, I mean see and not hear — your life will never be the same again. Make no mistake, I am not mocking Shah. He seems to be like Mozart: made for another age, unappreciated in his own.

Since a lot of people on Twitter have stated that they have not been able to sit through the entire 5 minutes 22 seconds of the song – I suspect out of envy – let me break the song down because dear readers, this is a video that would put Mani Kaul and David Lynch to shame. There are many hidden meanings and a plenitude of symbolism. I have still not been able to understand most of it. Much like the ending of Alejandro González Iñárritu’s Birdman. Maybe it’s just a problem that men with wings have with being understood.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let us, in the words of Fräulein Maria, start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.

Angel begins with clouds, a rainbow, a green field and a long-haired person in a purple velvet gown with wings on the back. This person is wearing a tiara and appears to have taken Johnnie Walker’s advice to keep walking very seriously. Two words (“mankind”, “angel”) echo around what appears to be a golf course. And then the person turns. Be still my beating heartI It’s Taher Shah.

Why is he in a gown? Is he making a statement about cross-dressing? Is he Pakistan’s answer to Sri Sri Ravishankar? What’s with the tiara? Is it a comment on royalty? Or is it simply to keep his lustrous locks in place? Should Ramdev start using one as well? Wait, has he straightened his hair?

Then Taher Shah, like Bulleh Shah, puts our questions to rest. He says, nay sings, “I am like an angel. Mankind’s angel”. Oh that’s why he’s wearing a gown and a tiara. Because angels have no gender. This is starting to make sense.

Or is it?

Before the brain has been able to absorb the magnificence of Shah in metres of purple velvet, there’s a costume change. Now he’s wearing a turquoise, buttoned-up, collared creation. He’s still wearing the tiara, but now, he also has a sceptre. There’s definitely a royal theme going here. But look, he’s also lost his wings. Is blue the colour of the fallen angels? Or did the person in-charge of continuity simply forget to pin the wings on?

All the while, Shah croons lines like the following:

“My heart is like a rose, … mankind’s soul

Dearest creation, by God

Heaven on earth, mankind’s Angel

Lonely for you, like an Angel

Your love is, my true Angel”

A new person enters the field now. A blonde in a white wedding dress, wearing a mask and carrying her own sceptre, she is not Shah in yet another costume change, but his angelic love interest. Why is she blonde? Is this a comment on our need to accept inter-racial marriages? Is Taher Shah’s Angel the 20^th century and the subcontinent’s answer to John Lennon’s Imagine? Is this blonde woman supposed to be a subversion of Yoko Ono?

At this point, Shah throws his arms up to the sky and sings the best lines of the song:

“Angel, angel.

Mankind’s angel.

La la la la. La la la la.”

Irshaad.  

The bride is walking and she’s got wings too. Smaller wings though, because she’s not Taher Shah. Sometimes she’s carrying her sceptre — which is smaller than Shah’s again — sometimes she’s not. Occasionally she has a feather boa, also in white. Both the Continuity Person and the Props-In-Charge need to be fired.

Shah and the Bride of Shah meet. He sings:

“Without you,

My love stays alone.

Like a mermaid,

Lives alone.”

Oh, the pathos. Loves know no language and no lyrics, it seems.

But now that Shah has found love with an angel (mankind’s angel no less) why is he surrounded by the Ku Klux Klan? Is the blonde angel actually a supremacist?

For all those who were wondering what else could Taher Shah unleash upon us, the answer is, baby angels. As if it wasn’t bad enough that we’ve glimpsed his chest hair and seen him look eye to eye at the masked Bride of Chucky, there are not one but two Mini Chuckys in Angel. Unless it’s one kid who got two costume changes. First, we see the mini angel, in a blonde wig (thanks, Mum) and an oversized purple gown, tottering around. Then another one shows up, without a wig and wearing blue and a thoroughly disgruntled expression. Who can blame the kid? He’s sitting with Taher Shah in a dress, a woman in a wig, mask and wedding dress; on a golf course, while Shah sings Angel. Thank god Pahlaj Nihalani didn’t watch this video. He would have fainted in fear. I almost did.

I, however, am beset with questions. How have the angels procreated? Aren’t angels genderless and genital-less? Why do angels only have red lipstick? Is the Mini Angel in the video’s last frame looking up heavenwards to ask of the Heavenly One what on earth He was thinking letting Angel become a reality?

Laugh as much as you want, but Shah has done what few singers have managed. He’s ensured he’s not a one-hit wonder. Although opinion on this is divided, I think Angel is even more memorable than Eye To Eye. It proves Shah is neither just a pretty face nor a creative hiccup. After all, how many songs raise questions on so much and break down so many boundaries? Not to mention use so much fabric? And how many music albums and musicians draw inspiration for their main characters, from Chucky? Spot the resemblance?

But don’t be a hater like me. Instead watch the video and sing along to it:

“Your life is like a pretty flower

Life is so peaceful

Like an angel

Angel angel

Mankind’s angel

La la la la

La la la la.”

Thank you, Taher Shah.