Here’s the biggest takeaway from Sultan — Salman Khan is not quite as bratty as he could potentially have been. Because if Khan was truly the unrepentant enfant terrible that he’s got the reputation of being, he would have told all those who’d demanded he apologise for using an obnoxious rape metaphor, to go watch his new film. Because in Sultan, Khan says sorry more than once, in a thick Haryanvi accent, both times for being a male chauvinist. Plus, to add to the poetic twist of life not imitating art, he apologises to none other than the blazing icon of feminism in Bollywood, Anushka Sharma.

That’s about as much satisfaction as those with an inclination for gender-sensitivity will get from Sultan. Directed by Ali Abbas Zafar — who evidently has a deep affinity for filming shirtless men wrestling each other in slow motion, given his last film was Gunday — this film is precisely what the trailer promised: a star vehicle for Khan in a langot. Is it riveting? Not by a long shot. Yet neither is it unwatchable, which as far as Bollywood blockbusters go, counts as praise.

Khan plays Sultan Ali Khan, a 30-year-old Haryanvi cable guy (don’t be cynical. That’s just a mere 20 years less than the actor’s official age). As a ‘young’ man, Sultan’s chief skill is that he can collect kites that have had their strings cut. One day, while scampering around his village, trying to catch a kite, he bumps into Aarfa (Sharma) and it’s love at first sight. When he finds out she’s the daughter of a pehelwan and a wrestler herself, Sultan decides to become a wrestler.

How Sultan’s farmer father feels about Sultan attaching a plough to his shoulders and needlessly dragging said plough through the family’s plot of arable land as part of his training regime is unclear. Also worth noting is that Aaj Tak is Sultan’s news channel of choice — in this alternate universe, it telecasts sporting events live.

Despite a few hiccups, Sultan and Aafra get married (naturally) and Sultan becomes a wrestling champion (naturally). So what if he’s in his early 30s and has trained for only about a year or two? This is Bhai doing a sport. Of course he’ll get the gold medal, at the London Olympics 2012 no less. In the ring, Sultan is like a Haryanvi Sherlock — his mind plays back what happened in the fight and he notices the weaknesses in his opponent’s moves. Next thing you know, kapow!

However, at this point, the universe conspires against him. The man who once had the world at his feet is reduced to pushing tractors out of ditches and standing in a government office, holding a donation tin. This is when the broken and tubby Sultan is spotted by Akash (Amit Sadh), who has started a mixed martial arts tournament in Delhi that is bleeding money because it’s unpopular. In Sultan’s potbelly and scruffy beard, Akash spots a winner. This son of the soil, Akash declares, will make the MMA tournament popular. Why? Because he’s Bhai.

Since Khan is the reason that this film has seen the light of day, far more interesting characters like Aarfa and the deported-from-London coach played by Randeep Hooda have to be sidelined by the script. Also, good actors like Anant Sharma, who plays the endearing sidekick-friend Gobind, are reduced to being comic relief.

Evidently, there’s nothing by way of suspense in Sultan. If there are surprises, then it is that Khan can do a booty shake (in the song “Baby ko Bass”) and that the security at Raisina Hill were a-ok with busted athletes and their coaches training in its empty avenue. Yet despite the lack of drama and the few quotable quotes (the best one is easily “Don’t teach father how to make babies”), Sultan is not a tiresome film. Whatever credibility the story lacks, the film’s production design makes up for by filling the frame with regular-looking people (barring Anushka Sharma) dressed in regular-looking clothes. From akhara to hotel room, the locations are believable even when they’re picturesque. Zafar’s plot is simplistic, but it’s evenly paced and doesn’t slow down, which means the audience doesn’t get bored.

Plus there is Khan on screen. Actors like Hooda, Sadh and Anant Sharma may be more talented, but what they don’t have is Khan’s on-screen charisma. The only person who could perhaps have given Khan a run for his money was Sharma as Aarfa, but the screenplay doesn’t give her that chance. Despite the fact that Khan is a mediocre, 50-year-old performer hamming his way through the role of a 30-year-old, the man does know how to hold the audience’s attention. He’s evidently worked hard at the fight sequences and this shows, in a good way. The film also has Khan doing a role that isn’t squeaking with goodness, which is unusual for him. That said, Aditya Chopra’s script works very hard to smoothen Sultan’s rough edges and particularly post-interval, we’re reminded and re-reminded that Sultan is the good guy and saarey fasaad ki jad hai that Aarfa. If she hadn’t been so busy being liberated and standing up to Sultan, none of his troubles would have befallen him.

If you’re the sort who can’t help but roll your eyes at the treatment Aafra’s character gets in Sultan, take heart in the fact that for all the adoration that Salman Khan gets in this film, he also gets beaten to a bloody pulp.