On a F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode, decades ago, Chandler found himself in a one woman show by a strident and seemingly angry woman who starts her seven-act monologue by shouting, “Why don’t you like me? Chapter 1. My First Period”.

Despite being a woman who gets her period, even I cringed when I heard that, much like Chandler. Years later, a woman’s period-related observations made me cringe again yesterday when I read a tweet by Menstrupedia, a website on which I have seen and read some very interesting videos and articles. The tweet was:

Yes, someone had written a poem about getting their period and about how they were grateful that their male partner was by their side. Because getting your period is like a terminal illness – or even an illness – which requires us women to be tended to, in this our darkest and bloodiest hour.

There’s so much askew about this poem and how Menstrupedia presented it that I don’t even know where to begin. Leaving aside the minor detail that there is such a thing as a painkiller that works wonders if you’re one of those who has painful periods, what on earth is this teary gratitude for the man being “by my side”? I’ve met women who are rendered useless when they get their period, and while I’m sure they were in great pain – much like I have been occasionally – to state they need someone to “care for you during your period” makes women sound like a hybrid of shrinking violets and terminal patients.

I’m all for men and women speaking about menstruation. We do need to stop treating menstruation and menstruating women as lepers or leprechauns. This is why I found it commendable and applause-worthy when Ram Mandir-fan, Uma Bharti, at the National Democratic Alliance’s (NDA) second anniversary gala spoke about menstruation and menstrual hygiene on a panel that included men. I was especially impressed by Bharti’s request that sanitary napkins should be kept in school bathrooms in case any young girl has an emergency requirement. This helps the perception and case of menstruating women. It also sees menstruation practically and not as an ailment.

That a website like Menstrupedia, which is doing a commendable job of building awareness and acceptance of menstruation, would publish a “poem” with the sentence “today I am bleeding again and he is by my side” is shocking to me. But then, it gets worse.

“My body cracks and my eyes blur with the water dripping from it,

I shout and hold his hand; sometimes I scratch him too…”

I have three words for the poet: appointment with gynaecologist. First of all, why on earth does this person go around scratching people? Secondly, if the pain is that bad and painkillers aren’t working, then it’s time to lie back and part your legs so that the doctor can check out what’s gone wrong. Because madam, if you’re shouting and scratching in response to physical pain, then something is definitely not right. You may have endometriosis, fibroids or cysts. Holding your partner’s hand, ain’t going to help you sister. But medicine, science and gaining some perspective will.

Yes, we get periods. No, men don’t. And yes, that’s bloody unfair. But that’s the way it is. Worse things could happen. You could be born without a limb or lose one, or become blind or actually get leprosy and have a limb fall off. Five days of intense pain — which can be neutralized with painkillers or an operation — is frankly not so bad in the larger scheme of things. I know women heading companies and teams, travelling continuously despite pain and excessive bleeding, who have gone under the knife to make their lives better. An option which is far more effective than having your partner hold your hand and get scratched.

This poem plays into the notion that periods weaken women and that they need a man to give them strength. If you want to be treated equally, then don’t write or read or quote such poetry. Aside from being disturbing and counterproductive, it’s also baffling. For instance, what on earth is going on here?

 I feel like running away from the crowd and just clinging to my pillow,

As terrifying alarms ring all night long,

To save me from the nightmare of washing the bed-sheets and my clothes,

I have to wake up every two-and-a-half hours, yes I bleed that much.

My suggestion would be to use Whisper Ultra Nights with XL Wings or Super strong tampons. Science you see, is on our side. Also, set a pleasant alarm? Finally, if washing bedsheets feels like a nightmare, perhaps you should watch a couple of horror films like The Shining and The Ring to truly grasp the potential of the word ‘nightmare’. It may even distract you from the pain.

Most importantly, don’t write poems about your period drama and your need for comfort from your male partner. It’s offensive and insulting to an entire gender. And if you really must express yourself creatively, then a 7-act play that takes tips from Game of Thrones would at least be more entertaining.

Till then, ride the crimson tide with pride. Not with a poem.

The author can be reached on twitter @rajyasree