Prime Minister Narendra Modi has managed to do for television that which the television industry nowadays fails to do. Ensure appointment viewing. 

Three years ago, in November 2016, all Indians who had access to a TV and cable connection tuned in to find out that what we called money, was now useless paper. Then this year in February, we tuned in again dutifully, to be told about the Balakot attacks. Last week, we tuned in yet again, as the clock struck 8, to listen to a speech which I still don’t know the agenda of.

But last night, at 9pm, we got to see Modi in a reality survival show – no, not having lunch with NSA Doval on the streets of Srinagar, but on Man vs Wild on Discovery Channel, with Bear Grylls. A show that has been promoted by not just Discovery Channel, but also by our Finance Minister, who felt that while the economy was nose-diving, what better tweet to post than commending the million views of the show’s promo. Yesterday’s newspapers carried front page ads of “an unmissable adventure in the lap of nature”. Once again, it could have been a very politically incorrect way of referring to Kashmir since the last week, but that’s how the powers that be had decided to promote Man vs Wild’s special episode with Bear Grylls and Prime Minister Modi.

Now this is not the first time that a world leader has been a guest on Man Vs Wild or used it for PR purposes. In 2016, the White House reached out to Discovery with the request that President (at the time) Barack Obama wanted to take part in the show to build awareness on climate change. Obama, while not being the greatest supporter of peace or humanitarian rights or the fourth estate, has walked the talk when it comes to the environment. 

This too was a PR exercise. And a pretty good one, I must say. Was it timed poorly, keeping in mind the fact that Kashmir is under a cloak of silence, its residents not allowed to communicate with the outside world and even with each other – given that there’s a curfew and phone lines are down? Ideally, the episode should have been postponed by a few weeks. Discovery would have obliged. That would have been the proper thing to do. 

But why let propriety get in the way of a good PR campaign? And as a PR tool, this endeavour has already paid high dividends. Because suddenly, instead of tuning into BBC and Al-Jazeera to see crowds being shot at in Kashmir, everyone was tuned into Discovery to see the green green tall grass of Uttarakhand. This was Wag The Dog at its best.

The thought behind appearing on the show is commendable. Position and project India as a wildlife tourism destination, while also showing the human side of Modi – the rough and ready, I can wear a flowing scarf and walk through bramble and laugh and chat side of him. 

So what did we get to see? Grylls’ show usually has his guests do horrible things and actually rough it out quite a bit. Even Obama who obviously – like Modi – travelled with his security cover and chef, ate a raw piece of salmon from a half-eaten fish carcass which had been chewed by a bear. Roger Federer rappelled up a snow-covered mountain and was then offered a freshly gouged out fish eye to chew and eat. Michelle Rodriquez marinated a mouse in her urine and ate it. 

Mr Modi did no such thing. He did not eat. He did not drink his or anyone else’s urine. He did not meet any animals. He did not climb a mountain. He did sail across a stream, though. Thank god for that, because by the 30th minute, I thought this was Bear Grylls’ version of Barefoot In The Park with Modi.   

This was the Man vs Tall Grass version of Man vs Wild. While we were told about the Bengal Tigers at Corbett, the only animal we saw was a lone rhesus monkey – and the repeated footage of three elephants, some deer and a few thin tigers. Which is sad, because Corbett is home to beautiful tigers and the only place where I have seen a tigress in the wild, standing six feet from my elephant. Their absence though, was understandable given that there was a veritable battalion of men in mackintoshes carrying briefcases and walking along with Bear and Modi. 

The entire episode was of Modi and Grylls walking for 5 miles. Modi kept to Indian Standard Time and arrived two hours late. What was bizarre was his insistence on speaking in Hindi, to a man who clearly knows no Hindi but was pretending (and I must say Grylls is quite the consummate actor) to understand and respond accurately. While I get that you want to promote India in all its glory, the refusal to speak in English was almost rude, and I felt counter-productive, given that this was a PR exercise to inform viewers about India, across all the countries that the programme is telecast to. It’s also rude to refuse to speak in the language of your guest – if you speak the same language as him. 

But what did we learn? We found out about Modi’s simple childhood home. That Modi – and I was impressed – does not cringe when a pile of elephant dung is shoved under his nose. We saw Modi Jr in a bowtie. We learnt that even if a tiger were to have chanced upon the duo and attacked them, Modi would not have hurt the tiger as he doesn’t believe in killing. Modi claimed that God (and I’m assuming, the Secret Service) would keep them alive, only to be told by Grylls that, “Well, we will get god to help us, plus this spear”. We learnt that it was Modi’s first vacation in 18 years. We also learnt about Jim Corbett. 

There were no wild animals to be seen.  But we did see two men walk through grass and then Grylls pushed Modi on a pre-made raft across the calmest part of a three-foot high stream. This was definitely the most relaxing episode Grylls has ever shot. I’m surprised we didn’t see them open a tiffin carrier and start eating samosas and chutney at the end of it. 

Bear did tell us that Modi had won The Champion Of Earth Award from the United Nations and therefore believed strongly in protecting the environment. This isn’t strictly true. India does need all the good green PR possible – since we are ranked the fourth-worst country (177) in the world in the Environmental Performance Index out of 180 countries last year. 

The government’s lack of interest in the environment is legendary and can be seen in the imminent Ken-Betwa river linking project which will destroy over 4000 hectares of Panna tiger reserve. Which is ironic, since it’s home to one of Modi’s favourite reptiles, the Gharial.

In Maharashtra, 53,000 mangrove trees will be cut for the bullet train project. In Uttarakhand, the Centre has launched a Rs 12,000-crore project to improve road connectivity to four Hindu pilgrimage sites which will have significant ecological costs. Modi had launched the construction of the Char Dham Mahamarg in 2016 as a tribute to those who died in the 2013 Kedarnath disaster. In Chhattisgarh, more than 841.5 hectares of forest land will be destroyed for Adani to create coal mines. The list is long and far from illustrious.

Viewers won’t know all this, though. What they will know is that Modi has never felt fear. And that he ironed his clothes with a steel katori and a hot piece of coal. Important information to have in the larger scheme of things.  

Will this show attract tourists and win the hearts and minds of people? I’d say yes. As far as PR exercises go, was it a good one for the PMO and the PM to indulge in? Of course. If only they’d walk the talk when it came to implementing policies which demonstrated how important nature is to India, but that’s asking for too much. For now, we should just focus on the bigger picture – that this show will bring tourists flocking to India. And focus on the smaller picture that Bear Grylls might be the only person to have said his “balls” were cold and freezing in front of the PM. That might well be the wildest thing that happened on this episode of Modi vs Wild.