We tried to wish Modiji in TOI. Here’s why we failed

Did you hear? September 17 is approaching, and the governmental machinery has synchronised its calendars for one glorious purpose: Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s 75th birthday. 

The BJP is naturally pulling out all stops – blood donation camps, cleanliness drives, and a full “Sewa Pakhwada” (fortnight of service). A minister in Pune is prepping a drone show. The Delhi assembly is hosting a “know your PM” exhibition. The Assam BJP is screening a biopic. Schools are “requesting” students to create greeting cards mentioning Modi’s reforms – because regular birthday wishes are for friends (and the PM is not your friend “but ours”).

Now some people online spread vicious rumors that we at Newslaundry don't appreciate our beloved leader. Preposterous! Who doesn’t love the PM and his visionary reforms, especially the 2016 masterstroke called demonetisation? We absolutely wanted to shower him with love. We, too, wanted to join the national choir of devotion.

And then, while pondering over the ways to express our admiration, we spotted salvation: an ad in and by The Times of India promising to help anyone wish the PM.

At last! A true test of journalistic freedom. 

All we had to do was pick up the phone and dial any of the numbers mentioned in the ad. But not everyone on our team was convinced. Some cynics questioned whether we should publicly wish our PM. Then some survivalists said we should merely pass on the greeting to the folks at ToI. But eventually, wiser voices prevailed: we should place our own ad. Because sometimes honest journalism demands honest devotion.

We decided on a font, a flattering photo, and our preferred ad sizes. Your correspondent grabbed the phone, ready to book space in this temple of paid affection.

But as they say, some dreams are too expensive to come true.

The TOI ad department explained the rates.

Raghav Arora, the Times Response associate, told us the minimum price for an ad like this would be Rs 375 per square cm and we will need to book at least 32 sq cm. But this would be a dull display. And we at Newslaundry are never satisfied with half measures.

So we thought to scale it up in adherence to our devotion to our dear leader. 

But a full page ad in the national edition? Rs 35 lakh. In the Delhi edition? Rs 9 lakh. Maybe the Ahmedabad edition? Rs 2.5 lakh. We wanted to go bigger, with a front page, or page 3. Though Arora said this would cost at least a 50 percent premium.

The icing on the cake – you can’t just paste in a stock photo of Modiji from Google. His image requires prior approval from the PMO. Yes, even your love for the leader must be pre-screened.

Asked about the email address to be granted this permission, Arora asked us about the organisation we represented. He eventually asked us to call back once we had finalised our ad size and content.

We almost booked it. We almost decided to go for it. But then we remembered – our job is to spend money on reporting, not on renting affection by the square centimetre. So here’s our wish, free of cost, with zero setback to our subscribers who pay only to keep news free.

Happy Birthday, Modiji. May your 75th be as priceless as this greeting, which, by the way, cost us exactly zero rupees – the only price we intend to pay for an ad like this. You can’t blame us for not trying.

Don’t forget to avail the 25 percent discount to celebrate Dear Leader’s birthday and his visionary GST reform. Ek teer se do etc etc.