The Secret Diary of Manmohan Singh, Aged 81¾: The Final Part

Sunday, September 14.

Why is Vinod Rai after me? What did I ever do to him? At Daman’s book launch, he was the only subject of discussion. At least Montek and Shashi had come. So nice of them. Many of my well-wishers seem to have vanished. As usual, Montek was talking like a BBC newscaster. I remember when we first met. I heard a voice in the waiting room, and thought, my God, Queen Elizabeth is here, but then I saw it was Montek. So beautifully he speaks. When he talks about poverty, it sounds like poetry.

Requested Shashi to write another book quickly, so that people forget about Vinod. His eyes were roaming the room as I talked. I had almost convinced him when he spotted Moon Moon Sen, after which he was unable to form complete sentences.

Why has Manish cut his hair like Laloo?

Monday.  September 15.

Delhi Police has opened a virtual thana! Am so proud of them! Now they’ll be able to patrol the internet. Finding cartoons of Madam and arresting the culprits will be so much easier. Finally Kapil can take some rest. How much can one man do? On the minus side, this means he’ll have more time to write poetry.

More good news! The Chinese foreign office says there is no need to worry about the border dispute. I knew we could trust them. My years of patient diplomacy are finally paying off. Salman also helped. Like Montek, his accent is excellent. I called him up to share my joy. He was depressed. The CBI is charging him for forging signatures in a case involving the disabled. I’m not surprised. I told him so many times, if you want to do something, first practice properly. But who listens?

Tuesday, September 16.

A grand victory for Rahul Baba! BJP thoroughly defeated in bypolls! It was inevitable. The public has observed Modi for a while. Now they see the true value of Rahul Baba. Next time, if he actually campaigns, we should do even better.

Xi Jinping is going to Ahmedabad. Modi is hosting a special Gujarati dinner. This is a catastrophe! No non-veg. No alcohol. No doubt Modi will serve three hundred types of veg dishes and make Xi taste all of them. Xi will have to do this sober. Nothing good can come from this. It will leave Xi with a hunger for revenge.

A wonderful end to the day. Priyanka came to our house with sweets. The court has dismissed the case against Robert Baba, due to lack of evidence. She also gifted me a muffler. She put it lovingly round my neck, and patted me on the cheek. “You have to be careful now, Uncle Manny,” she said. “Winter is coming.”

Wednesday, September 17.

As I had feared, they served sandwich dhokla, kachumbar salad, and beetroot halwa, washed down with chhas. Chhas! That’s what they gave him to drink? We could be at war by Friday.

At least Modi sent all the Northeast people on holiday. If he had subjected them to this menu, the situation in the Northeast could have deteriorated.

Saw a thin young man in a beard lurking outside our bungalow. He looked shady. Possibly a pickpocket. Must inform the police.

Friday, September 19.

What is happening to all the women of the nation? Hema Malini is attacking widows. Mamata is attacking students. Looking at Hema Malini, I would never have thought this. In Sholay she was so cheerful and affectionate. The Jadavpur incident at least I can understand. It was a molestation case, and Mamata always takes very prompt action in such cases. Mostly it’s against the victims, but the action is very prompt.

In such cases, innocents also suffer. For example, Derek O’Brien. He’ll suffer loss of income. I’m guessing they won’t be inviting him to conduct quizzes at JU any time soon.

Saturday, September 20.

My worst fears are coming true. More Chinese troops have moved into Ladakh. Even now, if they send Xi an apology and a packet of tangri kebabs, the situation could be rectified. But it will be difficult. They showed him leaving on TV. His face was like thunder.

Gursharan and I wanted to play remote-remote, but we could not find the remote. Looked for it everywhere. When I checked behind the French window, I found the suspicious bearded young man crouching there. He sprang up and ran away before I could catch him.

Could this be a Maoist plot? Are they planning to eliminate me? I wish they would understand. How many times do I have to say this? I knew nothing about anything. I never have.

Sunday, September 21.

Bilawal Baba wants the whole of Kashmir! How disappointing. He used to be such a sweet boy. I blame that Heena Rabbani Khar. She’s very dangerous. During his tenure as foreign minister, S.M. Krishna almost gave away Amritsar, but we managed to stop him. Thank God we kept Rahul Baba away from her.

Kapil’s son is suing Kejriwal. Serves him right. Just because Kapil was the Telecom Minister, and his son was representing Vodafone, this fellow said all kinds of things. Glad to see the dramatic improvement in the speed of the legal process. Earlier, even murder cases used to take so much time. Must say Kapil did a fine job as Law Minister. Today, he is benefitting. Soon others will also.

Monday, September 22.

Mamata’s nephew has explained the JU problem. The Jadavpur University students are upset due to lack of ganja, charas and alcohol. This case is more serious than I thought. The TMC is bringing in experts.

Repulsed. Found a hair from a beard in my spaghetti. It was not from my beard.

Wednesday, September 24.

Modi was on TV all day today, bragging about the Mars Orbiter. He was wearing a red waistcoat to match the planet. What kind of nonsense is this? Who is he trying to fool? In four months he put all this together? Who is he, NASA’s grandfather? It was me! It was me! Yet no one came to my house. Gursharan and I sat alone together in the dark, waiting. I was most shocked by the ISRO people. I must say these South Indians are very treacherous. After everything I did for them, not even one of them mentioned me on TV.

Besides, is this any time to be modeling red waistcoats? China has practically declared war on us. As I had predicted, Xi was most upset. He reached home and called the army immediately. Send him some chicken biryani, Narendra, while there’s still time!

On the bright side, the mysterious bearded man has been caught by the police. It wasn’t a pickpocket. It was one Abhinandan Sekhri. Apparently he runs a laundry. He must be in need of side income, because he was stealing pages from my diary and getting them printed. Feel so violated. My thoughts have been exposed. Must congratulate Delhi Police, however. They were very prompt, and they didn’t even charge me anything. Gursharan took out the tiffin box with the petty cash, just in case, but the inspector refused. “No, no, sir, what are you saying?” he said. “We’ll take care of everything. We’ll take him back to the thana and thrash him thoroughly. After that we’ll charge him with sedition.”

That should take care of him for the next ten years. Am so relieved. It’s going to be just like old times.

Now, once again, no one will ever know what I’m thinking.