What’s dating got to do with DNA?

Are you from Delhi and are still single despite going on multiple dates? You’re decent looking, dress well and speak well. All you can talk about – that too in incorrect English – is chiffon sarees, how to spot a fake Gucci bag and how to identify EDM (that’s Electronic Dance Music for the geriatrics amongst you). And all that matters is finding the perfect way to land the man of your dreams, while speaking in a guttural North Indian accent.

No, this is not me being a parochial Bengali and looking down my brown not-so-aquiline nose at the gori-chitti Punjabis. This is DNA’s idea of how to pitch their newspaper to the women of Delhi. Really. I kid you not.

If you receive newspapers in your house in Delhi and the NCR, for the past few days you will also have received a four-page DNA pullout which has warned us about the imminent arrival of DNA In Delhi in our lives. This pullout advertisement tells us – including the female readers – why there is room for another newspaper in our lives. And that DNA will give us “stories that help you engage; and most importantly, we give you stories to think, discuss and debate”.

All good. How can we complain?

As part of their publicity, DNA has released a video starring Mallika Dua who has made a series of videos – the majority of which are hilarious – spoofing Delhi women and their idiosyncrasies. Her characters include Dadi, Komal and Kanchan and Makeup Didi. They’re short, fun videos making fun of how Delhi women behave and talk.

That DNA would rope her in to be part of their campaign is a great move as well – other than for the fact that the video is for a newspaper claiming that it’s a serious newspaper, which will save you from the junk newspapers you’ve had to live with till date in Delhi.

What does reading a newspaper have anything to do with being a woman – unless you’re specifically a women’s newspaper – or have anything to do with your readers’ love lives?

The video shows Mallika playing Gifty, a Delhi girl, who’s out on multiple dates with a Madrasi, a boy from Faridabad, a boy whose origins we are not told. But each boy rejects her because of her vacuous conversation skills because as her sister tells her, “Problem tere me nahin hai, tere paper mein hai, Gifty. Itni bakwaas padegi, toh bakwas hi hoga”. So she starts reading DNA and they all line up to date her.

First off, it’s just a bizarre plug for a newspaper claiming to be serious and non-bakwaas. The USP of Mallika’s videos are that they’re bakwaas and timepass. It’s fine for a laugh, but to sell a newspaper claiming to be better than the rest? Hmm. It’s a bit of a self-goal I’d say.

Second, for all DNA’s claims that they’re the thinking woman’s newspaper, their own four-page supplement devotes a ¼ page of Page 1 to Amitabh Bachchan’s daughter Shweta Bachchan “making a case for the newcomer called DNA”. This is like getting Johnny Depp’s daughter to write a column endorsing a New York Times’ edition. Three quarters of an entire inside page tells us that DNA is “B-TOWN’S GO-TO PAPER” with pictures of “After Hr Addicts” Imran Khan and Sonakshi and guest editor, Anushka Sharma, while Varun and Alia “point and pout”.

I am thinking that if Gifty be reading this junk, she ain’t going to be getting lucky anytime soon.

The video is accompanied by this descriptor:

Politics? Science? Bollywood? Music? Why don’t I know anything? Embarrassed, aren’t you? Well, that’s because you’ve been reading the wrong stuff! It’s DNA to the rescue…

All you read is crap
Update yourself in a snap
DNA is your ideal news hunk
Because #SayNoToJunk

A snapshot of the latest news on the newspaper’s website shows Shahid Kapur sharing space with Najeeb Jung. But hey, maybe DNA’s junk is better than the junk of other newspapers.

Third, do we really want to read a newspaper which is “the ideal news hunk” for the ditzy Delhi woman. And what kind of a pitch is this? To tell Delhi’s women that they aren’t the brightest sparks and that DNA is their knight in newsprint? I know in North India we believe that women are just pretty faces without an intelligent thought in their heads, but let’s not take this stereotype so seriously. And if that’s the demographic you’re hoping to win over, you should publicise your dedication to entertainment news. Nothing wrong with that. But even I, a Bengali from Kolkata, felt bad for the poor Delhi chicky – and for DNA’s marketing team who doesn’t seem very on the ball either.

To borrow from DNA’s video campaign’s lingo – What da fuck DNA. Izzat ki chop kyun kara rahe ho? If you keep releasing ads like this, compro toh karna padega, and we will have to keep reading the junk we are.