Satire: Jawaharlal Nehru takes on Fake News

Deep inside Teen Murti Bhavan last night, the lights began to flicker. Strains of Leonard Cohen’s Chelsea Hotel #2 could be heard echoing throughout the building. Suddenly, a mysterious figure appeared over a former Prime Minister’s desk. The figure ran his ghostly hands through the desk like he was quite familiar with it. Then, he took out an envelope from his jacket, kept it on the desk, and then disappeared. The song ceased to play and the lights went back to normal. The only proof of his short visit was the envelope on the desk, which contained the following letter.

. * * *

. Dear Friends,

. Over the past few decades, I have seen my name being dragged into the mud by certain political organisations and their cohorts. Their aim is to malign my legacy and all the contributions I have made towards the freedom struggle. In recent days, it has gotten so out of hand that I have been forced to come back from the dead and issue a rebuttal.

. Let’s begin with the assertion that I had an illicit affair with Mrs Edwina Mountbatten. Let me ask you a question: Have you ever met a person who understood you completely? With whom you could always be yourself, without the need to hold back? A person who shared your instincts and could determine what was bothering you without you saying anything? Well, she was that for me. Was our relationship platonic, romantic or physical? That, my friends, is none of your business.

. Any woman I seem to have been photographed with is accused of being in a relationship with me. Now, what you need to understand is that just because two people get along with each other doesn’t mean they are also biblically acquainted. While your passionate interest in my sexual proclivities amuses me no end, I am saddened by how you’re still trapped by Victorian morality. Having your moral compass still living under colonial rule must make you miserable. The fact that you determine the worth of a person depending on the amount of sexual activities they partake in, reveals how distant you are from understanding the human condition. I hope, whatever God you pray to, one day manages to award you with a more free and mature worldview.

. My critics’ lack of tact only betrays how insulated they really are. Which shouldn’t surprise me because they also try to portray me as someone unmoored in Indian traditions and culture. The fact is that I don’t owe anybody any explanation. I am Indian by virtue of being born here. But if they still have any doubt about my bonafides, they should check out my book Discovery of India . In it, I tried to give an account of our history and civilisation, so that interested readers during that time wouldn’t have had to depend on British interpretations of our history.

. Are these ignoramuses really suggesting that we as individuals and as a country should remove ourselves from the rest of the world? Should we all become shut-ins to prove our “Indian-ness” to these self-anointed guardians? Culture, like a body of water, needs to keep flowing to renew itself or it stagnates. We shouldn’t deprive ourselves of things we like from other cultures just because some people feel insecure about their beliefs. These nitpickers should take comfort in the fact that at least I would never be even caught dead wearing a Manchester United T-shirt. For cripes sake, if you’re going to cheer for a goddamn football team, at least choose one that wins something!

. Another major lie about me is that fake letter I have supposedly sent to Clement Attlee, which partisan propagandists keep passing around every few months. Well, this one really angered me. You can call me names, question my sanity, but don’t you dare ascribe something that riddled with grammatical errors to me? That is outrageous and I will not stand for it. Why would I call my close friend a “war criminal?” We were fighting the British, not each other. And I had no idea of his whereabouts anyway.

. Also, what event in my life led you to believe that I would write a letter to Clement Attlee and limit myself to a single paragraph? Look, if you’re going to caricature me, at least put in some effort. This is so lazy. Here’s the thing. I may have held various positions throughout my life, but, the one thing I was born to do was write letters. I even wrote letters to my own secretary and she used to sit outside my office! So if you think that I would write a letter to the Prime Minister of our colonial masters and not offer him my counsel and advice along with pointed jabs about imperialism then you have exceeded my assumptions about your simple-mindedness.

. Making up differences between me and my other freedom fighter comrades is a cottage industry now. Even the current occupant of my former office tends to often indulge in these half-truths and insinuations. One of the most egregious distortions that is often treated as truthful is my supposed enmity with my friend and colleague, Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel. There is this tall story doing the rounds that I missed his funeral. Nothing could be further away from the truth. Do you really think I would stoop so low as to disrespect my friend in such a way? Or miss my last chance to say goodbye to him? You don’t even have to take my word for it. There is visual proof of my presence there!

. Sardar was an elder with whom I shared an immensely sincere, honest and respectful friendship. When Gandhiji died, the country looked up to Sardar and me to lead. Yes, we had ideological differences, but we never forgot that we were on the same side. We fought a war together! He was the bad cop to my good cop. The Thelma to my Louise. My brother from another mother.

. Sardar and I corresponded almost every day! We sought each other’s advice on all important matters. Did we argue? Of course, we did! But we argued like adults. We could actually handle criticism. We believed that those who meddle in public affairs must be frank with each other. In our time, we actually listened to our colleagues. Unlike the special snowflakes you have for leaders these days, we didn’t need our cabinet members to mollycoddle us with constant praise. We didn’t get our feelings hurt just because someone said something critical about us. At least not for the first few years after Independence!

. Another myth about me is that misnomer that my government gave up a permanent seat in the United Nations Security Council (UNSC) in favour of China. This has been repeated so many times that it has become a part of conventional wisdom. However, again, this is a lie that falls apart if you do a little research. The UN charter was adopted in 1945. At that time, China was already a permanent member of the United Nations. India gained Independence and full control over its own foreign policy in 1947.

. There were feelers sent by both the US and the USSR at different times to ascertain whether we’d be interested in replacing China in the UNSC, but these were not concrete or serious proposals. Besides, the only way to do that would have been to amend the UN charter to replace China with India. To succeed, this proposal would have required two-thirds of the members of the General Assembly to support it. And if we had gone through with it, we would have lost brutally thanks to Cold War politics and would have lost face in the international community along with being humiliated on a global scale.

. You can take historical events out of context and pretend that you would have done the right thing. You have the luxury of time and hindsight to support your cause. However, what you forget is that nation-building was new to all of us. We hadn’t built an entire country before. Our decisions will be material for contentious debate and mockery for a long time and that is how it should be. A democracy only works when we have honest criticism. It is absolutely essential to have as much of a public debate and discussion about our problems as possible. Only then can a nation advance!

. Before I go, I’d like to pontificate about one last point! I hope you will find it in your heart to indulge an old man. What we learned living through the Partition was that hoping and wishing for civility does not bring it back. Letting the monster of religious divide unleash itself on the country does a lot of irreplaceable damage.

. Remember, those who spread scurrilous rumours do not have your best interest in their hearts. Their only purpose is to spread hatred so as to capture power and keep themselves there in perpetuity. Those who rule by dog whistles and hearsay are always up to no good.

. I know that most of you hate me quite a lot. So consider this a challenge. Will you show the foresight of not being duped by those who seek to divide you?

. Here’s your chance to be better than me.

. Will you take it?

Satire: Jawaharlal Nehru takes on Fake News

Subscribe now to unlock the story

Why should I pay for news?

You may also like