Could The Idiot Box Smarten Up in 2017?

It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values, on which we used to rely?

If only Seth MacFarlane knew that the Indian television gods had listened to The Family Guy theme song and made Indian telly the home of “those good old fashioned family values”. Because even though you see people plunging knives into each other and smacking each other senseless, there’s no sex to be seen for miles. Even on the American shows we see on TV. No abuse, no sex, just a healthy dose of misogyny and absurdity please – after all, we are Indian.

But enough of griping. Since a new year beckons and hope springs eternal, one can always have a wishlist for the brave new world that should come our way at the click of the remote. So here’s what I hope 2017 brings our way, via television screens.

Boobs. Tit. Beef. Fuck. Muslim. Orgasm. Erection.

These are a few of the words I want to hear said out loud and not muted on TV shows we watch in India. Maybe come 2017, the Indian Broadcasters Federation and non-news channels will grow up. I have no such expectations from news channels. The Indian Broadcasters Federation has a set of self-regulatory guidelines that all non-news channels have to follow. So if you’ve been wondering which idiot is subtitling the nth rerun of F.R.I.E.N.D.S incorrectly, or hacking off 10 seconds of two consenting adults making the beast with two backs in The Affair – just head to the IBF. Thanks to which all channels have a Standards & Practices department, which use their not-so-better judgment to mute, cut and basically play little Big Brother to big Big Brother Pahlaj NIhalani. It’s also why we don’t get to see most shows live in India. Because the scripts are sent to us, we subtitle them at various channels and then after a requisite nip/tuck, it’s considered ‘safe’ for Indian viewership. By which time, we’ve lost all interest in the show or watched it online.

No more sensitive evolved serials, please.

This year, we had Shakti, a show where the main character, Soumya, is a transgender or a kinnar. Soumya is a blushing bride who on her wedding night is summoned to a mandir, where she is informed that she is a transgender. The premise – that you can be a transgender and unaware of this, and require someone else to tell you that you are transgender – is clueless, and it’s also made worse by showing the kinnars as an evil cult. To make matters even more offensive, it has now been revealed that Soumya never was a transgender. Because the producers and scriptwriters must have realised that it’s just easier to show a ‘normal’ love story, with a simpering bride and a macho aggressive husband and an evil saas. Why even try and be different when you can’t? Best to stick to the icchadhaari naagin and counter-naagin and icchaadhari flies. It’s really far less offensive.

There’s also Swabhimaan on Colors, which was supposed to be about a single mother who educates her two daughters and reprimands anyone who says that the daughters should get married. How progressive. Right? Within two weeks of the show starting, it has devolved into the emancipated mother being shown standing outside a millionaire’s house asking him to marry his son off to her daughter. Either give us an Astitva or a Shanti, or just stop trying.

A cooking show with some real cooking.

2016 was the year of cooking shows. Some were decent, most were not. There were cooking shows with celebrity hosts – Maria Goretti and Zarine Khan. The former was nice and had some interesting recipes, the latter’s recipes will remain uncooked if you follow what she says on the show. We had Masterchef India where the judges are given more importance than the contestants, and we are shown no cooking procedures. There’s Twist Of Taste with Vikas Khanna, who is less chef and more TV star. His coiffed hair and hairless arms get more focus than the food he cooks. Let’s accept the fact that we don’t like making cooking shows like Top Chef or Iron Chef in India.  Since we love food and celebrities and don’t like thinking of new concepts, maybe it’s time we have our version of Celebrity Food Fight in which celebrities can host a dinner at home with other celebrities and you watch them make a mess of the meal. Or just be totally out of the idiot box and give us our version of Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart’s cooking show.

But for that, we’d need celebrities who can laugh at themselves. So that’s a straight cancel.

Speaking of laughter…

Maybe this will be the year that comedians and TV hosts will be allowed to comment on politics, religion and celebrity without fear of being arrested. One of our lowest points this year was when comedian Kiku Sharda was arrested for the grave crime of mimicking Dera Sacha Sauda chief and self-proclaimed godman Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insaan and hurting “religious sentiments” on Zee’s New Year special Jashn-E-Ummeed. Cult member Uday Singh filed a case against Sharda and told India Today, “he (Kiku) was shown dressed up like our respected guruji. He was shown with liquor and dancing with two girls. He did a mockery of guruji. Whosoever saw it, their feelings were hurt”. And Sharda was arrested under section 295 A of the IPC (outraging religious feelings of any class by insulting its religion or religious beliefs).

There’s a reason why our comedy shows are so rubbish and infantile. Because none of these comedians can risk saying anything halfway perceptive about current affairs, out of fear of being put in the clink.  

Let there be questions

And most importantly, maybe we’ll finally have an interview show where people actually ask and answer questions we want to hear – across news and entertainment. On foreign shores, some of the most fun and informative interviews are on talk shows and by veterans such as David Letterman, Barbara Walters and Maria Shriver. People who know how to mix entertainment with information. Where they not only put celebrities and politicians on the mat, but also extract interesting statements from them. Maybe 2017 can be the year where there will be an end to questioning Amitabh Bachchan about how he feels to be the granddaddy of Indian cinema (without mentioning the words “Panama Papers” or “Indira Gandhi”). There’ll be no more “no politics please” interviews of Sonia Gandhi. Celebrities will speak of their affairs and rivalries and be asked to explain their criminal records. And maybe, just maybe, we will see Prime Minister Narendra Modi give an interview which isn’t scripted – and who knows, appear on a genocide skit on Saturday Night Live. If Barack Obama and Donald Trump can do so, why can’t the leader of the cashless world?

Hope springs eternal for 2017. For the cynics, rejoice for there is still Netflix India and Amazon Prime.