“I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!”

Hello Losers,

This is President Donald J Trump.

Last time we had an honest conversation, I told you that I didn’t want to be President. I only ran to raise my profile and fulfill the promise to a very powerful friend who allegedly used some of the state-run companies under his control to invest a lot of money into my business.

I didn’t think I would win! I mean, c’mon. I once appeared in a soft-core porn movie, for cripes’ sake. I did everything I could to sabotage my campaign. I said the most vile things. I even shrugged off accusations of sexual assault. Yet you dumbasses still voted for me!

Fine, I thought to myself. I’ll go along with it. After all, how hard could it be? It’s all pomp and grandeur anyway. And if a half-brained movie star like Reagan could do it, so could I!

Boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong. This is the worst job in the world!

Do you know they make you read stuff all day? I hate to read anything. In my earlier life, If there was anything important that I needed to know, I’d have someone read it out loud to me. I haven’t had to touch a book since high school! But now, since everything is top secret, I need to read it on my own. The briefing books keep piling up on my desk while I’m still working through the first one they gave me. Bad situation!

Another horrible thing about this job is that you learn things before you make a decision. Who knew the whole Israel/Palestine issue was such a clusterfuck? I thought they were just arguing over something stupid like missing CDs from their Kenny Chesney collection, or who would do the dishes. I had absolutely no idea that it was a complicated conflict whose roots were sown centuries ago. It’s such a huge mess that I’ve already lost any interest I had in solving it.

Which is why I keep wondering: why is no one trying to impeach me? Since the day I took office, I have done everything in my power to violate every rule and every tradition that has been established procedure for over two centuries. I have violated the constitution more times than I have talked about my improbable election victory. So why am I still here?

I have played more rounds of golf as President than the number of weeks I have had the job. My so-called healthcare bill might end up causing the death of millions of people suffering from serious ailments and diseases. If the bill comes into effect as it is, then no one will ever see a payout from their insurance company again. Does that not give you any pause?

Have you seen my Cabinet? It’s a who’s who of what the hell. My secretary of education thinks we’re focusing too much on actually educating our students. I appointed a guy who hates the environment and wants to burn it all down as the head of the Environmental Protection Agency. My energy secretary, the guy who looks after our nuclear weapons, makes George W Bush look like Einstein.

I publicly announced that I might make the United States government pull out of the Paris agreement. Not because I don’t believe in global warming, because hastening the end of civilisation guarantees that I won’t have to serve out my entire four-year term. That’s right. I’d rather bring about the end of life as we know it than spend another second as your President.

Look, I asked the FBI chief to swear loyalty to me. Told him to drop the investigation against me and my associates. Fired him when he didn’t comply. I even went on national teevee and confessed to that. And yet, I am still President. Are you listening to the words that are coming out of my mouth?

What more do you want me to do? Replace the Lincoln memorial with a casino? Hire a cartoon villain carrying a rucksack full of money to show up at the White House gate? Put Vladimir Putin’s likeness on Mount Rushmore? Take a dump in the middle of the Oval office and broadcast the entire proceedings on Facebook?

What are you waiting for? Who do you think is going to stop me? The Republicans in Congress? Ha! Those cowards will follow me to whatever depths of depravity I go to as long as they can get their precious tax cuts. Have you heard them lately? I could yell the nuclear codes from the terrace of the White House and the only thing they’d say is that the President has the power to do so.

And as for the Democrats, I wonder how those idiots manage to dress themselves up every morning. The Democrats can’t sell a warm jacket to a man freezing in the cold. They can’t win an election if their life depends on it. The Democrats are so bad at winning elections that even if they are the only party in the running, they will still find some way to lose.

Therefore, dear citizens, you are the only ones who can stop me. Call your representatives. Organize a rally. Go to a town hall. Sign a petition. Run for elected office. Yell at me on twitter. Because neither of us want me to be President.

And if you don’t, then the daily onslaught of bad news after bad news will not stop until the entire country is filled with the same darkness that exists inside me. Things are going to get so bad that even the thought of waking up will fill you with dread so deep that you will feel it in the pit of your stomach. You will tremble with fear and self-loathing whenever you even think about checking the news. You will have a panic attack the second your phone pings with another Breaking News alert. You will leave to make coffee and come back to find another one of your sacred constitutional institutions losing their sheen.

So, save yourselves while you still can.

And get me out of here!

The author can be contacted on Twitter @over_rated