Hello America,

This is almost President Donald J. Trump. Yes, you read that right. The former host of Celebrity Apprentice is probably hours away from becoming the most powerful person in the world. How did you let that happen? How did we get here? What the hell is wrong with you?

All I wanted to do was prove all those losers who said I’d never run for President wrong. I didn’t want to actually win this damn thing. Do you dummies think I have the attention span to be President? It took me three days just to finish writing this paragraph!

What were we talking about?

Oh. Yes, you idiots are almost about to elect me President. What do I have to do to get you to not vote for me? I’ve refused to release my tax returns, used my campaign contributions to enrich myself even though I haven’t paid half my campaign staff, PTSD-ed a former Miss Universe by continuing to call her a fatty, asked the world to check out said fatty’s non-existent sex tape. I’ve said nasty things about women, Hispanics, African-Americans, Muslims, prisoners-of-war and families of dead soldiers. I’ve bragged about sexual assault, called women accusing me of sexual assault too ugly for sexual assault, and questioned the legitimacy of the entire edifice of American democracy. And these are just my greatest hits! How do I still have a single supporter?

And how do you people believe anything I say, anyway? I literally lie every 3 minutes. No. I’m not exaggerating. They did a review of my speeches and that’s what they found. Which is surprising because I didn’t think anything truthful had snuck into one of my speeches. I lie about everything!

For example, the other day, I spent the whole time telling people how Barack Obama yelled at a protestor at one of his rallies even though he had actually scolded the crowd for being rude to the guy. There was video evidence to the contrary, but did that stop me? Hell, no. I lied to thousands of people without flinching or having any second thoughts. That is who I am.

Do you think I’m going to keep any of my promises as President? I could do anything I want! Put Piers Morgan on the Supreme Court. Nuke all the glaciers in Antarctica to prove once and for all that global warming is a hoax. Give Alaska back to Russia in lieu of all the money I owe to their banks.

Who do you think is going to stop me? The Republicans in Congress? Those bozos couldn’t even take me on when I was merely a candidate for President. Do you think they’ll mess with me when I have the full power of the United States government backing me up?

The most shocking thing though, is the way you treat Hillary Clinton. She’s a highly competent person who is more than qualified for the job of being President and millions of you act like she’s the human incarnation of Satan. (Ok, so she has a thing for pantsuits. But I have a combover.) Hell, she’s more than qualified for most jobs. I’d give her mine if she would ask for it. Maybe she could figure out a way to stop the house of cards that is my business empire from collapsing.

I see her out there, humiliating herself. She is one of the smartest people ever to run for public office in this country and she has to pretend to have a personality. She has to waste her time kissing your crappy babies, shaking your grubby hands and eating some fried abomination at one of those rural fairs. She had to go on Ellen and learn how to do the Ne-Ne. She had to even learn how to use Snapchat because apparently that is the now the only way to reach voters below the age of 25.

She debases herself like that for you and how do you reward her? By lobbing silly accusations at her. She wiped the floor with me during the debates and the main criticism she got was that she looked like she was over-prepared. Yeah, how dare a person running for one the most important jobs in the world arm themselves with the knowledge that will help them do the job? What sort of monster does that?

Don’t you get it? Running for President is just my latest con. I’ve spent my entire life going from one scam to the other. I’ve cheated more people out of their hard-earned money than the top three religions of the world combined. You’re just my latest marks.

So save yourself from me, America. Hillary Clinton is the only thing standing between you and the apocalypse.

All you hipsters who think she’s not inspirational enough and plan on voting for Gary ‘Stoner Ayn Rand’ Johnson or Jill ‘No Vaccines’ Stein, let me stop you right there. You think the idea of a first female President of the United States isn’t inspirational enough? Well, how’s this for an incentive: when I turn the world into a nuclear wasteland, there’ll be no one left to make artisanal sourdough bread for you. Yeah, I knew that would get your attention.

So, listen to me, do the right thing and vote for her. Or else you’ll have to build a skynet like system that sends a Terminator back in time to stop me from ascending to the Presidency. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living out an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?

I’m Donald Trump and I approve this message!

The author can be contacted on Twitter @over_rated