The Third Slip: Issue 93 – Vanakkam over for New Year?

Hello and welcome to The Third Slip—the weekly newsletter that appears well-informed and articulate only because we are able to project a thinly-veiled, artificial facade of knowledge which would be brought down at the first question posed in our direction. So if you have questions for us as we prepare to run for the premier office of the world’s greatest democracies, please send them in 24 hours in advance. We will be contesting under the name Darth Evader.

This is Issue 93 in a truly spectacular last week of 2018. One in which India secured the Border-Gavaskar trophy against a hapless Australia. They did this at the MCG—not to be confused with what Virat Kohli says when he wants to abuse someone politely. “MC…ji!”. Quiz question of the week: which is likely to improve in 2019 : A) Outlook for humankind or B) Our sense of humour? The correct answer, of course, is C) None Of The Above. But we shall lead you into 2019 with some  hope: here’s our pick for tweet of the week.

Bye Bye 2018: A year that managed to produce more hopelessness than its prodigious predecessor, if you were to purely go by the news headlines served to you. Here’s a nice set of charts showing how the world has actually improved in 2018, in 15 graphs (make that 16, if you see how many more people now have access to TTS!). And oh, people are saying a financial crisis is coming. As 2008 kids will say: “Oh, shit.” On that cheerful note, let’s resume regular programming…

At Home

Haters gonna be great: Karnataka’s CM was found giving instructions to a cop to “kill them mercilessly”. Surely his words were taken out of context, maybe he was speaking to a comedian friend who needed encouragement to “kill it!” (no such luck). MP’s new CM, the infamous Kamal Nath, has channelled his inner Trump and threatened to kick out migrants. Who ever said hate divides? It unites all our political parties.

Cis-qualification Disqualification: YAY! A transgender persons protection bill was passed… But… it’s lead to widespread protests because the real stakeholders’ interests have not been considered and it includes some provisions that are invasive and counterproductive. At this point, we’re like a college student who insists they are completely fine after ingesting copious amounts of alcohol at the New Year party and attempts to walk disregarding wise counsel from friends and ends up putting one step forward and two steps back.

Cooking with gaslight: All industrial growth numbers are up—and so is creative mathematics, the most important subject they teach you in the BJP School of Economics. “Religious conflict? Lol, just like transparent airline fees, unscripted T20 tournaments and growls on post-Ghost Reveries Opeth albums, it doesn’t exist.” —an inaccurate but perfectly acceptable summary of our dear leader’s speech.

Evolution starts with EV: Well, at least Delhi’s starting to officially think about electric vehicles to try and deal with its insanely  polluted atmosphere – which, it must be clarified, is not a reference to our parliamentarians. This is the equivalent of trying to drain an ocean using one beer mug, but hey which one of you has actually tried to say that it doesn’t work?

Point bank: Public sector bank employees went on strike. Nobody gave a flying fuchsia, except shady people hoping to get easy loans and then never pay back. The RBI and the government have stopped squabbling like schoolkids over a tazo and are looking to resolve issues. For one, they formed a committee. Fans of Yes, Minister will know where this one’s going.

Around the world

No ice period: Let’s face it, things can become slightly uncomfortable if your defence secretary writes a resignation letter which had everyone on the news pointing and loffing at you. I mean, can you imagine those elevator rides during the time you he still has to spend there? So, Le Prez, the one and only Donald Trump advanced James Mattis’ last day by 2 months. Now you know what to do when you don’t want to serve notice period.

Troop tera mastana: Meanwhile, Trump randomly landed up in Iraq to say hi to the troops there, using the opportunity to talk about himself which was nice because it’s not like the US has a “government” thanks to the shutdown which is yet unresolved.

Kisses under the missiletoe: Russia tested a new missile and Putin called it a New Year Gift to the nation. Remember the good ol’ days when cards would do?

Martian Arts: If all the above makes you pray for the whole moving to Mars thing to come soon, take a look at this stunning video someone made, stitching together lots of photos of the planet.

On Track: In happier news, North Korea and South Korea now have a train connecting them (though further progress is contingent on the US lifting sanctions on North Korea… Which is contingent on North Korea stopping being naughty about nukes… Which… Ok, it’s complicated.)

Marjuana chahte ho kya?: And Thailand’s approved medical marijuana—this is important since that entire area has some of the harshest drug laws in the world. Including super-liberal Singapore, where you can be sentenced to death!

Tech

Ad to cart: Amazon’s become scarier. But y’know what, they still have low profit margins and they want to change that with a satirical weekly news… er, advertising. Can we ever have enough ads?

Textual intercourse: Oh, Black Mirror! The Netflix series has an interactive episode called Bandersnatch (that’s not a contraction of Benedict Cumberbatch, no shit Sherlock.). You could choose how the episode progressed based on the answers you gave. Side note: How about an interactive The Third Slip where you get to choose how world events turn out… No, bad idea.

Tech-ing stock: 2018 has not been great for the giants of tech. Google’s had a bad year with loss of trust and employee unrest about its culture, and we don’t need to tell you that Facebook’s had a disastrous one. And to think just last year people were talking about Mark Zuckerberg launching a presidential campaign. Which, if you think about it is not a bad idea – after all, he actually built a wall and made other people pay for it.

The most heartbreaking thing you’ll see this week: The Indonesian tsunami attacking a band playing on stage, which led to several guests and some band members dying. The tsunami’s killed over 400 as of now.

LinkedOut – the best things we’ve read all week

• Japan – a strangely cash-loving advanced economy, for cultural reasons.
• Perhaps much of the world’s problems could be solved by making tech tougher to use.
• Fix the gig economy!
• And finally. Forget resolutions and do an annual review.

That’s it for this week, and year! If you would like to find us outside of this newsletter, we’re on Twitter (Chuck | Tony) and Instagram (Chuck | Tony). Yes, we’re capable of maintaining this run of terrible humour elsewhere as well. If you’d like to find us inside of this newsletter, make sure you subscribe. And tell your friends. If you hate us, make sure you recommend us to that annoying guy who always borrows your charger and never returns it in time. Until next week, may the questions people ask you only be the ones that you’re comfortable answering. Bye!

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