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If there were a Heaven and Hell,

and you could tell,

between the two,

and choose,

and stay.

Where would you?

An easy choice?

You think it is?

I think not – consider this.

Would Heaven have God in all Her might?

Would we have to do everything right?

Would we sit at the same table to eat,

and drink and swallow. And have no meat?

They can’t slaughter lives up there.

God wouldn’t allow things so unfair.

So greens it is; well, bring it on.

I’ll miss the steak, the lamb, the prawn.

In Hell I guess it would be hard,

being boiled and cooked and fried in lard.

The minions of Satan from end to start,

stabbing our spleen, our eyes, our heart.

At banquets we’ll be served, as food.

For Lucifer and his sinful brood.

Being minced by molars smelling rotten,

all for wealth on Earth ill-gotten.

Now Heaven, on the other hand,

may be a more tranquil land.

But could we smoke. Or guzzle a few

pints of beer, a scotch or two.

Or would She always be watching you.

A bit of sin never hurt a mortal.

Porn, in fact makes the finest portal.

But God does not approve of this

kind of indiscretionary bliss.

The Devil may let all that’s nice

flourish in his den of vice.

But we access shall never get,

from pleasure you’ll remain bereft.

That’s the point of Hell you see,

to suffer for all Eternity.

For all the fun on Earth, our Mother,

you pay a price to the Bad Brother.

Though Heaven may offer the chance to lie

on roses and stare at a perfect sky.

Have thrushes of honey and brooks of nectar.

There is a cruel interjector.

No skinny-dipping with Miss May or June.

Not even a loud wicked tune

of Prince, Aerosmith or the ample Madonna

Choose between hymns and bhajans. Would you wanna?

Though in Hell they do have deals

of Souls, exchanged for full meals.

You’d be ill advised to accept the pact

’cause the Soul includes the alimentary tract.

For all tempting offers made down in Hell

there is a “fine print” on the deal as well.

If you think you’re a shrewd trader,

Think again, honey. Remember Darth Vader?

So Hell and Heaven is yours to make.

It’s here that you can have your cake

and eat it too. ’Cause once you’re dead,

you’re not behind, you’re not ahead.

We do our best and suffer our worst

here, on our planet first

and last. Unless I’ve guessed all wrong

and have Hell to pay for this thoughtless song.

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