On the streets of Bengal lives a simple woman, who cares for the people of her land. Dressed in a white cotton sari, she has risen from the masses. No, it’s not Mother Teresa’s doppelganger. It is our very own common man’s crusader – Mamatadi. Only difference being that along with helping the masses – or claiming to do so – she often times also pops them into the clink if they murmur an unfair word or sketch an unkind cartoon against her. This is also known as tough love, or “Didi-r kaando” in Calcutta.

If there is one government which has been plagued by crisis after crisis, it is Mamata Banerjee’s government. Most of the crises are the doing of her and her merry men of course, but still. In just the past year, we’ve had raging fires, multiple rapes, censorship, arrests, party defection. Through this crisis carousel, Mamata has sulked, seen Red everywhere, screamed “Eet is a conspiracy” and dealt with it all by painting some houses in Calcutta a beautiful shade of powder blue and created her own Tower of Bengal in which she packs off any dissenters.

Led by a motley crew of men – ranging from actors-turned-politicians to quiz masters-turned-highly-ineffectual-propaganda ministers to a railway minister who resembles and is as competent as Jar Jar Binks would be in office – Mamata has managed the impossible. She’s made us Calcuttans pine for the return of the Left.

But while Buddhadeb sits in his parlour, puffing his Davidoff and sniggering at the turn of events, I feel that instead of pillorying her, what Didi needs to be told are ways to effectively rebrand herself. To wit, since I have been on the dark side myself – of public relations not of TMC – I’ve put down a few image management measures which Didi could indulge in. Since things couldn’t possibly get worse for her, she might as well give it a shot.

1  Didi’s Weekend Farmer’s Market: Introduce a weekly farmer’s market. One in which farmers are actually allowed to sell the produce at the price they should be selling it at. Give them the unique experience of having no middlemen standing over their heads telling them to reduce their prices, so that when their produce reaches Cal, TMC’s voters get dirt-cheap veggies. Sure, she’ll take a hit on her urban votes, but they are anyway showing signs of not voting for her anyway. Didi should visit the weekend market and pretend to chat with the farmers and ask them about their worries and concerns. Maybe hand out little bags of fertiliser as compensation for the absurdly high fertiliser prices the farmers have to deal with. This will also help combat the absolutely unwarranted slur on her government by that horrible Maoist farmer, Shiladitya. All this of course must be done while keeping the “be good, be seen as doing good” ethos in mind. So, some of her favourite newspapers and TV channels should also be at hand to interview some happy farmer, preferably someone from aforementioned Shiladitya’s family – who should of course be briefed by her propaganda minister on what to ask or not ask beforehand.

2  Mamata Banerjee Quiz Show and Cartoon Hour: Nothing works as well as a branded programme. Didi needs to book one weekday and one weekend slot on Star Jalsa/ Sananda/ Aakash Bangla/ Zee Bangla under the Trinamool Entertainment banner. Red Chillies Entertainment’s Idiot Box should be ordered to produce a quiz show – of course hosted by the inimitable and erudite twitter god Derek – and should feature questions on politics, governance and some light entertainment for the masses. The weekday slot should be for 5pm, when no one watches the telly, and should have Bengal’s cartoonists participate in a political cartoon draw-off which viewers can vote on. Since no one watches the telly at this hour, no one will vote for the cartoonists and Didi can then claim that much like her, even the people do not approve of insulting caricatures. What we call a win-win.

3  Get her own Leni Reifenstahl: Since Didi is committed to “kaalchar” and loves being surrounded by Bengal’s actors and actresses, she needs to harness this talent for her own benefit. If there’s one thing which people can’t fault Hitler for, it is his identification of Leni Reifenstahl as a filmmaker. Mamata needs her own ‘Triumph of the Will’ and ‘Victory of Faith’. She can call her film, ‘Aamar Daabi Maanlei Hobe’ or loosely-put ‘Obey and you shall Prosper’ for the Bengali-challenged. The film can begin with the lines she said during her victory speech in 2011 – “I think this is the beginning of Independence. This is the beginning of the people”. The theme music could be inspired by Strauss, or maybe she should stick to her favourite – Tagore. Maybe SRK could put in a good word with Anurag Kashyap or maybe Rituparno Ghosh could step in to direct this magnum opus.

4  Didi-r jatra party. Since the government seems to careening through various crises of theatrical proportions, and Didi’s favourite votebank – the poverty-stricken villager – has been voicing their dissent and displeasure more and more strongly, Didi needs to reach out to them. While throwing some sops their way is fine, what works best is propaganda through entertainment. And what better way to reach the masses than through the various jatra troupes which keep Bengal’s masses entertained? She could command jatra troupe Ratnadeep Opera, which has worked with thespians like Raveena Tandon and Moon Moon Sen, to write a jatra on her. Rituparna Sengupta can play Didi and the jatra can be a musical dramatic performance of Didi’s journey from moffusil to ministry, replete with a chorus of farmers and cartoonists. Maybe even give the story a slight Hamlet-ian feel. The troupe can start from Singur stop by Nandigram and dart across to Midnapore.

5  Get a new scribe for the facebook page. Didi’s more than displayed her exemplary ability to reach out to the masses, sometimes with handcuffs and sometimes with sops. But realising that you can’t leave out the English-speaking voter, she – or dear Derek – has set up the Mamata Banerjee Facebook Page. Which I have dutifully “liked”. Much to my horror. Whatever little English creative writing I had learnt is being steadily dissipated with each and every fb update Didi and her little internet helpers are putting up.

Some gems:

World Tribal Day – I love tribals, their unique culture, forests and their closeness to nature.

Commenting on the formation of the GTA in Darjeeling – I love kanchanjangha. Today kanchanjangha is smiling. It’s a historic day.

On Tagore’s 71^st death anniversary – On this day of Shrabon, when sky is overcast with cloud, and drizzling showers the ground, famous song of Kabi Guru – “Jharo Jharo Barishe Bari Dhara” … comes into my mind.

Whatever I might think of Derek’s skills as TMC’s Chief Whip in Rajya Sabha, I do know he can string a correct sentence of English together and is usually quite erudite. It takes five minutes, Derek. While updating your twitter update and posting those many quiz questions and Mukul Roy’s winning defense of Didi’s recent transgression – please, please, edit those facebook posts. Or get someone to do it. Maybe even Chetan Bhagat. Or maybe not – his first manuscript was rejected by 4 separate Bengali editors. Or you could even request one of those Maoist students from Jadavpur to lend a helping hand. Trust me, they’ll do a brilliant job of it. At least we won’t be told how Didi “loves” everything from the hills to Tagore to Rajesh Khanna to Poltu da.

6  Sponsored-TV question hour “Didi’r Shonge Adda” – Didi and her Hardy boys went about that entire CNN-IBN town hall the wrong way. Here’s a little secret. Pay the right fee to the right news channel and book yourself a one-hour slot. Choose the audience yourself. Give them the questions they need to ask. Throw in some “Maoist” or “friends of the Left” questions, just so viewers don’t get suspicious. Answer the hand-picked dissenters in a measured tone, and put forth your key messages while answering the remaining questions which will anyway have been written by Jar Jar Binks and Goebbels. And voila, you come across as a Chief Minister who walks the talk.

Next week, we’ll be sharing 5 tips on public speaking and speech writing for Manmohan Singh – pro bono. Followed by a series of self-help exercises on “Coming Into Your Own” for Rahul baba.

Image By: [ Swarnabha Banerjee] Image source: [http://www.flickr.com/photos/centralasian/4228642691/]