Ajayendar is a news addict and football fanatic currently smitten by journalism. He writes satire when angry. When not reading every article on his twitter timeline, this IIT graduate dreams of losing weight while lying in bed, settling down in Himachal and having his own column. We give him column space. Newslaundry - making dreams real.
The Education Of RahulG
After being trained for over a decade on “how to win elections” under the tutelage of Digvijaya Singh, it was decided that Rahul needs to be educated in diverse fields so that he can gain expertise in all departments of the government.
First he goes to Shri Chidambaram for Finance lessons:
Rahul: Hello Chiduji…teach me some finance fast fast.
PC: No problem RahulG. It’s very easy.
Rahul: First of all Chiduji, why are so many Indians so poor?
PC: No no…they’re not poor…just that their money is in few peoples’ secret bank accounts…
Rahul: But why?
PC: Because those accounts are with Swiss banks. And those banks are very safe.
Rahul: What an idea, Sirji. But don’t the poor need the money?
PC: No! They will spend all the money on useless things like ice creams and stuff. That’s why we keep the money and give them subsidies.
Rahul: Super Chiduji…btw, what is all this halla about coal?
PC: It’s the same like money, but since there are no coal-banks to keep the coal, we give it to the Ambanis, Jindals and Tatas so that they can keep it safe.
Rahul: Ohhhh!!! That’s so nice of them, so there is no loss?
PC: Loss!!! Did you say loss? Do you want to be a loser, Rahul? Do you? DO YOU?
Rahul: No no…sorry Chiduji, there are so many things to learn from you, but there is no time.
PC: Ah! Don’t you worry, just say “we are only following the policies of NDA government”.
Rahul: Stop busting my balls, Chiduji…even I know that we are in the government and that the government makes policies…I am not so dumb, you know!
PC: Don’t be foolish Rahul! We make money, not policy…see the growth and all…we are the 4th richest country in the world.
Rahul: Super stuff Chiduji. No wonder mum says you are our party’s best financer. I think I have learnt enough. Diggy uncle says we have to go meet Arindam for management lessons.
Rahul reaches Arindam Chaudhury’s IIPM.
Rahul: Hello Arindam.
Arindam: Yo Rahul!
Rahul: Can you teach me management?
Arnidam: Oh sure! I can teach you anything.
Rahul: But I must confess. I’m not very educated.
Arindam: Think Beyond Education!! Think IIPM!!
Rahul: Oh cool!! I was afraid education might be important.
Arindam: Oh Rahul, education is so old-school! IIPM is the present and the future.
Rahul: So tell me about this IIPM.
Arindam: It is about globalisation. It is about collaboration. It is about advertising!
Arindam: It’s about daring to think beyond everything that is considered important.
Rahul: I think I understand.
Arindam: Rahul!! You need to think beyond, think beyond thinking.
Rahul: Umm…what? I don’t think I understand
Arindam: You see the problem? You are trying to think and understand…think beyond.
Rahul: You sound like a genius Arindam.
Rahul: Wow! So how do I get good at management?
Arindam: Simple really. Just write a book on management.
Rahul: But who’ll buy it?
Arindam: Think beyond, RahulG…buy a million copies of it yourself…look at it as an investment.
Rahul: But what will I do with all those copies?
Arindam: That’s where you need to think beyond…put your best picture on the cover, stamp “best-seller” on the copies and release them as a new and updated edition.
Rahul: Ok…but who will buy those?
Arindam: YOU, of course! Then you become an expert on management and you can even start a “college”.
Rahul: Oh, man! Thanks for the super lessons.
Arindam: Cheerio man!
After the tiring lessons, Rahul goes to a bar to chill down with few beers.
Suddenly, he hears a familiar voice from a faraway table.
Voice from far: What India lacks is direction. Only RahulG can provide it. So far we have only seen cameos from him. He will soon lead us to greatness.
Rahul goes over there and finds Salman Khurshid drinking with some friends from the media. Khurshid and he then go and sit at a separate table. Rahul wants some tips.
Rahul: Salmanji, when and how will India become truly great?
Salman: As soon as RahulG takes the leadership. Only he can guide us.
Rahul: But Salmanji, I AM Rahul!
Salman: Oh. Sorry. Then you need the blessings of Soniaji.
Rahul: Salmanji, I am her son. And I do have her blessings.
Salman: Oh! right. Then, I’m out. I told you all I know.
Rahul: That’s all you’ve got?
Salman: How about “I am quoted out of context”?
Rahul: Oh god!! Ok. Gotta go now.
After a long walk down a lonely road, Rahul realises that silence can be a virtue at times and that he needs to learn how to be silent even amidst chaos. So he goes to meet Dr Manmohan Singh.
Doctrine of Silence with Manmohanji (MMS):
Rahul: Namaste Manmohanji.
MMS: (just nods his head).
Rahul: How are you doing, Sir?
Rahul: Sir, I am speaking to you.
Rahul: Ok fine. I am here to learn silence from you.
Rahul: I know you don’t like speaking much, but can you give me some tips on the art of silence?
Rahul: Uff! How will I learn if you don’t teach me anything?
Rahul: Manmohanji, I am warning you. I will go and complain to mom if you don’t say anything now.
Rahul: Ok fine. I am also not going to speak to you.
Rahul: I am saying this for the last time. I am never going to speak to you again if you behave like this.
Rahul: I mean it. I’m not kidding.
Rahul: Oh! Now I get it!! Tussi great ho, Sirji! This is the best lesson ever!
Rahul is really chuffed after all the learning. But the ever-pragmatic Diggy knows that there is one final important lesson to learn.
Diggy: RahulG, you need one final lesson.
RahulG: But I already feel super smart, Diggy uncle.
Diggy: No Rahul, this is very important. We need to see Swamy.
Rahul: You mean Subramaniam Swamy? But he always calls me Budhhu and mom Vishkanya.
Diggy: I know. But he was a good friend of your dad. He will help you.
Rahul: But what will he teach?
Diggy: How to portray a defeat as victory. How to be positive all the time.
Rahul: What’s the point?
Diggy: Just remember this. If we knew that secret, we could have portrayed the UP assembly result as a victory for Congress. And you wouldn’t have had to go into hiding for a year.
Rahul: You know Diggy uncle, I need to confess something. Sometimes, on holidays, when I lie on my back on the soft grass in France’s public parks with the pleasant sun caressing me and watch the young love-birds cuddled together, children chasing butterflies watched with glee by their parents and old men cracking jokes at one another, I think “Fuck this politics and shit man! I didn’t ask for this”.
Rahul: It’s the truth, Diggy uncle. What if I don’t want to win elections or even be in politics? What if I don’t want this shit? What if I don’t want to face people asking me questions I know nothing about? What if I don’t want to be called a Budhhu all the time?
Diggy: Rahul, get a grip of yourself. Politics is your calling.
Rahul: What if I don’t want to?
Diggy: Rahul!! Do you want to sit down and eat with poor people in smelly little huts in UP again? Do you want to do sleepovers at destitute’s houses? Do you? If you keep being difficult, I’m going to tell on you to Soniaji.
Rahul: Just forget it Diggy Uncle. You will never understand. It’s fine. I will go. I know Swamy calls me buddhu but at least he is upfront about it.
So once again resigned to his fate, Rahul goes to meet Swamy.
Rahul: Pranaam Swamyji!
Swamy: Arre Budhhu!! What are you doing here? Has CBI arrested Vishkanya?
Rahul: No Swamyji. Diggy uncle told me to meet you.
Swamy: That fellow? When did he come out of the sanatorium? Why did you listen to him?
Rahul: He is my mentor.
Swamy: Hahaha. You are worse than I thought. Getting mentored by a brain cancer patient.
Rahul: I know you were close to Dad. You have to help me.
Swamy: Ok fine. Just this one time.
Rahul: Thank you. So tell me how to be positive all the time.
Swamy: I am always positive because I am always right and I always win.
Rahul: But you do lose sometimes.
Rahul: You lost elections in 2004.
Swamy: That was the loss of voting machines. I am going to get them banned now.
Rahul: You lost your cases against Chiduuncle.
Swamy: I didn’t lose.
Rahul: The judgment was in his favour.
Swamy: The judgment was wrong.
Rahul: You lost your courses at Harvard.
Swamy: That’s Harvard’s loss. I actually won as I have more time now.
Rahul: Do you at least agree you lost some hair?
Swamy: I actually won some more forehead, which I needed for my huge brain.
Rahul: Ok fine. Now tell me how I can also win.
Swamy: Hahaha. You can’t. You are a budhhu.
Rahul: Swamyji, you said you will help.
Swamy: You can win only if you accept that your ancestors are Hindus.
Rahul: Er…but my mother is Christian.
Swamy: Hahaha…that’s why you can’t win.
Rahul: You have to help me.
Swamy: Fine. I will write a letter to God to convert all your ancestors into Hindus.
Rahul: What? Can you do that?
Swamy: Yes, yes. Only a true Tam-Brahm with knowledge of Sanskrit can do that.
Rahul: Cool. Thanks Swamyji.
Swamy: Go now and if I see you again, I will file a writ petition in Supreme Court.
And finally, with his political education complete and even the gods appeased, RahulG took a plunge into the Congress’ leadership promising to lead India back to its once-glorious position at the head of the world order. Or something to that effect.
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