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A Nobel For Katju?

Inside sources inform us that Katju’s ingenious plan of reuniting India and Pak may earn him the Nobel peace prize.


Justice-Katju-for-Nobel Prize

After ingeniously suggesting that “the one and only solution to the Kashmir problem or the militancy problem in Pakistan is the reunification of India and Pakistan” [1], Justice Katju, reliable sources have learnt, is going to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 2013 by the Inter-Parliamentary Union.

According to Alfred Nobel’s will, the Peace Prize shall be awarded to the person who “shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.”

It is being hailed by world peace activists as the first time that the credentials of the candidate so precisely matched the will of Alfred Nobel.

The Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee presents the Nobel Peace Prize in the presence of the King of Norway on December 10 each year. However, highly placed sources have informed us that there was some scepticism due to Katju’s propensity for calling any percentage of population of a country “idiots” and “communal”. Efforts will be made to ensure he doesn’t call the people of Norway or their King idiots, till he wins the prize.

A vanguard of scientific and rational thinking, Justice Katju has often been in the news controversially for claiming that 90 per cent of Indians are idiots and 80 per cent are communal. When asked how he arrived at the figures of 90 per cent or 80 per cent, he rationalised it by saying that it is not a fixed number. It can be 83 per cent or 74.3 per cent or whatever, and that the number is not important. What is important is that a large number of Indians are idiots. Justice Katju had a cult-like following in Pakistan for his comments and for a long time has been the most-quoted Indian personality in Pakistan’s newspapers.

When asked how he stumbled upon his ground-breaking solution to the Kashmir problem, Justice Katju once again credited his rational and scientific thinking. Urging everyone to follow the same and ignore superstitions, Justice Katju pointed out that a palmist had predicted his death at the age of 32. “I am going to be 67 and I am alive and kicking”, he said. He did not answer why he went to a palmist in the first place. He appealed to media persons to follow his example and fulfill their social responsibility by combating backward thoughts.

The nomination has also caused a diplomatic stand-off between India and Pakistan as Justice Katju stated that he doesn’t “recognise Pakistan as a legitimate country” because it was based on the two-nation theory and he doesn’t accept the theory. A Pakistani spokesman said his great nation is greatly offended by Justice Katju’s irresponsible comments and deplorable choice of words.

In the widely published comment, Justice Katju called for the reunification of India and Pakistan “under a strong, central, secular, modern-minded government which just doesn’t tolerate bigotry” and added that such a government would deal with fanaticism with an iron hand. This idea got a near universal nod from much-loved dictators like King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, Al Khalifa of Bahrain, Iran’s Khomenei, Egypt’s Morsi, the Taliban and The Chinese Communist Party.

While the nomination was derided by many as preposterous, experts claimed that it is still much less preposterous than awarding the prize to Barack Obama and carpet-bomber Henry Kissinger. The mostly controversial Nobel Peace Prize is also being presented this year amidst protests over the choice of the European Union for the prize[2].

Justice Katju will be competing for the prize with the likes of Hafiz Saeed – the world peace activist of Lashkar-e-Taiba – who melted rocksby offering to help Hurricane Sandy victims in the United States though they placed a bounty on him, and the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) which achieved a completely peaceful leadership transition in the world’s largest authoritarian state by suppressing any political protests with an iron fist.

 

[1] http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/reunification-of-india-pakistan-only-solution-to-kashmir-katju/article4179071.ece

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  • Ugra narasimha

    Satire is a welcome…

  • abeoma

    nice..

  • http://twitter.com/asiasif Asif

    As tasty as a ‘pre-chewed’ sugarless Chewing Gum, As smart a satire as a drunkard talking to his shadow in dark,..finally…i offer a prayer and a coconut to have u Top – Civils…Anything to avoid such brilliant articles…

    • ajayendar

      you write well (hope you haven’t copied from anywhere)..you should try your hand at writing something..btw, i don’t know what makes you think i will stop writing ‘brilliant’ articles regardless of whether i top or fail..

      • http://twitter.com/asiasif Asif

        So u are not gonna leave us no matter what ! Hmm. Not one of ur good articles.Sorry :-) .. btw I dont read enuf to ‘copy’ from anywhere..

        • ajayendar

          Ok. Since you’ve been so harsh on me, I will give links to couple of my other articles. I hope it changes your mind on whether you want to me to leave you ‘no matter what’..if it doesn’t, then adieu
          http://www.newslaundry.com/2012/08/the-education-of-rahulg/
          http://goo.gl/A79dl

          • http://twitter.com/asiasif Asif

            I have read these..that is why i said – ‘Not one of ur good articles.’ ..Abt being harsh – i tried to be sarcastic – if u dint pick – then i wasnt good at it . :-)

  • Roark

    No mincing words…The worst article on News Laundry…scarcity of writers in town or fed up with appraisals…???

    • ajayendar

      sorry you feel like that about this one..i think you liked an article on RahulG i wrote once here..i hope you will like my next one

  • vinod

    Enjoyable ….

  • sunidhi

    Very well written sir

  • http://twitter.com/VandeMaBharati VandeMaBharati

    Yes.. And also include Afghanistan, arunachal pradesh, tibet, burma, nepal, sri lanka, myanmar.. All part of Akhand Bharat at some time

  • sree

    common ajay katju said the right thing.. we all are communal and idiots.. For example Babri masjid was built by a barbarian in 16th century and demolished by some rogues and we still discuss that issue. Why can’t we move on. We all are idiots because there are people who study engineering and then prepare for civil service( no offence ) and mba( i am included ). Over all i agree to everything katju said.

  • Munna

    I guess Katju belongs to the lunatic 1 % :) Enjoyed the article

  • dccjb

    Katju should atleast try and prove his 90% idiots theory by standing for elections. Depending on the percentage of votes he gets we can arrive at a good estimate for that constituency. And then just like everything else use that as a basis for a generalised estimate for the rest of India. After this we can try to test the 80% communal Indians theory by inviting Katju for a possible future Sadbhavana fast of Modi and seating him within a 10 metre radius of the microphone. That should do it. BTW does he have any views on how to stop the arctic meltdown and finally global warming? Oh wait I already know the answer – “don’t be superstitious”