An Indian Pope, finally?

Since Rahul never wants to marry, how about taking over the Vatican we say. Other contenders here too.

Pope benedict

The Pope has retired. And we feel willed by a higher power to come up with some suggestions from the third world to be the Pope’s successor. Here’s our list:

1. Rahul Gandhi: Pope Dimples

Since Rahul Gandhi never wants to get married, never wants to do anything much, states the obvious every now and then and wants the whole world to hold hands, live in peace and sing songs, might we suggest he be considered for the vacancy at the Vatican. It’s a win-win. About time we had a Pope the young can connect with. From John Paul to Benedict they never quite had the charisma to get the church going. And he has dimples, how about that? Rahul also says that “power is poison” and that he isn’t interested in being PM. Much Like Pope Benedict said he didn’t want to be Pope. We are pretty sure, much like Benedict even Rahul will take to the new position like a duck to water. Oh and Rahul G also said he’s a “parachute”. Was he obliquely referring to what is being called the Pope’s “golden parachute” a.k.a. his retirement plans?

2. Narendra Damodar Das Modi: Pope Dread

He can carry off costumes and headgear with the panache befitting a Pope. He is definitely very passionate about religion. And he has the distinction of being at the helm as a lively carnage played out, almost as bloody as the first Crusade called by Pope Urban II. Modi also believes you should be married to your cause – not to a mortal. And much like the Pope, even Modi believes that we should “pray constantly, do justice, love goodness, and walk humbly with Him”. And while Pope Benedict felt that some of the teachings of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) are “evil and inhuman”, Modi is a little subtler. He simply shuns the skullcap. Oh and did you know that Pope Benedict also was registered into the Hitler Youth (which was compulsory in Nazi Germany) when he was but a naïve teenager?

Modi pope


3. Karan Johar: Pope Pink

He perfectly fits the ideals and philosophy of the church. It’s all about family, loving your parents and dostana. He too can carry off any costume and his characters break into religious song at any given moment – remember the Raghupati Raghav Raja Ram Remix? Much like the Pope, even he believes that “each of us is the result of a thought of God. Each of us is willed. Each of us is loved. Each of us is necessary”. And therefore, begins every endeavour by channelling the lord god almighty, that too on 70 mm. It’s all good dharma, baby.

4. Salman Khan: Pope Oye

Forget the divine, it’s all about being human. Kill, save, kill, save, run over, save, slaughter, save. He also thinks women should not expose. And uses his staff even more effectively than the Pope does his staff. He – Sallu, not the Pope – often whacks his actresses with his staff, for showing a touch of cleavage. Great believer in bachelorhood. He has many bodyguards as the Pope does. Like the Pope has side talents, so does Sallu. While he may not play the piano, he does paint. And if anyone’s tweets are as impressive as @Pontifex’s, it’s @BeingSalmanKhan’s.



5.  Honey Singh: Pope Yo Yo

If anyone can give the Pope a run for his misogynist money, it’s our boy Honey. Also here’s the Pope’s view on music – “Rock [music]…is the expression of elemental passions, and at rock festivals it assumes a cultic character, a form of worship, in fact, in opposition to Christian worship. People are, so to speak, released from themselves by the experience of being part of a crowd and by the emotional shock of rhythm, noise, and special lighting effects. However, in the ecstasy of having all their defenses torn down, the participants sink, as it were, beneath the elemental force of the universe”. Now as we all know Yo Yo also believes in the power of the music concert. And in sinking below the elemental force of the universe – after all, his new album is called Shaitan. It’s about time the church considered reform, even if it has to get a lot worse before it can get better.

6. Ratan Tata: Pope Poker-face

He is known for his humility like all Popes should have. His face is as inscrutable as most popes. No one knows what they’re thinking since the expression hasn’t changed in decades. Mamata-hate and Modi-love is greeted and reciprocated with the same poker face, like any good pope. Much like the pontiff, Ratan Tata took early retirement from a job most people consider STD – or service till death. Much like the Pope there was much speculation on the successor when he said ta ta. He is surrounded by strong-willed intelligent young disciplined men and has been succeeded by someone out of the fold. And Mr Tata loves aircrafts as much as the Pope does.

7. ND Tiwari : Pope Who’s Your Daddy

Simple. He’s a believer in immaculate conception. Nuff said.

8. Ramdev: Pope Tootsie

Much like the Pope, Ramdev has a love for European climes. Pope has his own country, Ramdev has his own island. And he’s as fond of tax havens as the Pope, who’s created a GBP 500 million international portfolio featuring real estate in UK, France and Switzerland. Both think homosexuality is a disease. Pope Benedict said – “it (homosexuality) is an intrinsic moral evil, and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder”. Ramdev goes one better and says he can cure it (homosexuality) through yoga (suck on that Pope). Ramdev believes in an organic diet. And after the Pope’s retirement, “Vatican gardeners will continue to cultivate a 500 sq m organic fruit and vegetable garden. The Pope is said to enjoy marmalade made from its oranges”. Much like the Pope has constant companion Georg Ganswein as his long-standing personal secretary, standing beatifically and beautifully behind him, Ramdev has constant companion even if not-as-photogenic Balkrishna behind him.



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  • Rithika Mehrotra

    Am sorry but this article is non appealing to me.. And if at all it was supposed to be funny.. din’t tickle that bone. Since, I wanted to avoid being opinionated, I checked another work of yours ‘Ram vs Hannibal Lecter’…. that too din’t make sense to me..

    • Rithika Mehrotra

      And please, I don’t know why India being referred to as a third world country has become fashionable these days amongst Indian journalism. Literally speaking, it is a pejorative or derogatory way used by Developed countries to denote the extremely poor nations. You must check the word history and research your vocabulary because its a sensitive issue. I, for one really feel offended if someone tells me I come for third world nation because mine is a ‘developing’ and not an ‘underdeveloped’ economy. And if it’s an Indian talking out of sheer fad or ignorance, it must be corrected.

      • Shyam

        Correct. More accurately India should be referred to as a ‘re-emerging economy’. Read angus maddison’s research ‘world economy a millennial perspective’ to know how India and China were the top contributors to the world gdp prior to the arrival of the british. Why else do you think the british and mughal hordes came?

  • Mandy

    Its a reality that India is a poor country, except with rich cities. and regarding the “third world” term, yes its a term coming from the west but not necessarily denoting poor countries, third world meant those countries before the fall of the USSR, when the first worlds were the capitalist countries and second world denoted communists and countries not within the scope of these two are the third world..

  • Simple formula for web magazines: sneak in Modi’s name into E.V.E.R.Y article & throw mike at people asking them on how much they hate him. I challenge author to show guts to send me one clip of Modi doing hate speech.

    • Deepali Sharma

      haha.. in a way its a good news that every single body is ‘Modi-fied’… You love.. you hate me.. you just cant ignore me… and good news is that this Modi-fication sells..

  • Bob M

    This is the kind of tripe only Madhu Trehan and Abhinanadan Sikhri will enjoy. The author who is obviously hiding behind a pseudonym ‘Birbal” should get his head examined and give us a break.

  • Robert

    This author wants the last remaining non Christian nation to be fully converted proselytized? already whole North states christianized

  • Harsimran Pal Singh Gill

    cant crack a joke even after using a pseudonym and trying your hardest at insulting a religion that isn’t yours …. you neither have balls nor a sense of humour … why dont you try making fun of Gays next time, you might do well as you are surely a part of them !!!

  • Brkanel

    Very amusing satiric article devoid of the arrogance of ordinary Indians.