Did you watch the coverage following the Boston bomb blasts and the MIT shootings? Did you notice Lindsay Lohan, Bruce Willis, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and Jay-Z on various international channels and newspapers commenting on whether the suspects should be given the death sentence or not, or how such an attack could have been avoided? No? That’s because for all our “oh these American newspapers and channels are so myopic” perception, panellists and commentators on various issues are chosen for their expertise in specialisation in these matters, not for their celebrity-hood.

This was followed by their desi media counterparts carrying news reports comparing how the Boston police reacted and how the Indian police would react to a similar situation. And how the Boston public reacts to such incidents and how the Indian public would react. But there were no comparisons of how the US media reports during such instances and how the Indian media does so.

Now in hamara bharat mahan when there’s a law-and-order situation or something as grave as a child being raped and left unassisted by the police, our news channels and newspapers immediately go into overdrive. Pull together panels, get the talking/shouting heads in place before prime-time. Being great believers of the ethos that Bollywood is the opiate of the classes who watch these English channels, each panel without fail has to have at least one celebrity on it. Why? Because it’s always nice to have a pretty face on a panel. Although I use the word “pretty” very loosely. And nothing ups the level of a debate or the gravitas of a situation as well as irrelevant people and comments.

Yesterday, there was a debate on Times Now on whether the death penalty should be made mandatory for rapists. So Arnab had pulled together an expert panel – Khusboo, Actress and Leader, DMK; Pinky Virani, Law Bringing Activist & Advocate; Binalaxmi Nepram, Social Activist; Colin Gonsalves, Advocate & Human Rights Activist; Rahul Narvekar, Sr Advocate & Spokesperson, Shiv Sena. And, drumroll…Raveena Tandon, Actor and Shabana Azmi, Actor and activist. I can understand Azmi’s presence there as a social activist and a former MP. But Raveena? And this is what she had to say, “I want justice. I stand for capital punishment. These laws seem very old. This is a new generation. They want justice”. You can’t blame her for making pithy statements, because she was giving her opinion and that’s what it was. Would it really have ruined Arnab’s panel if she hadn’t been on it? I doubt it. Was she there to speak as a mother of young children, concerned about the safety of her children? No. At least Arnab didn’t think of introducing her in that manner.

Not that Arnab’s the only one who got sucked into the celebrity morass. On NDTV 24X7, Sonia Singh was discussing the verb-and preposition-unfriendly debate, “Strong anti-rape law still not a deterrent?” Who did she have discussing this? Who else but resident law expert and social activist Bobo the Baffler. Sorry, I meant Rahul Bose. Along with him was Anu Agha (member of the standing panel on women’s empowerment), Kiran Bedi, Najma Heptullah, Prabha Thakur (member of the house panel on women empowerment), Javed Akhtar, Rajya Sabha MP. So, before jumping to any conclusions, I checked up on Bose’s credentials to be on this panel. He does have an NGO called Foundation which runs a programme called H.E.A.L. for children suffering from child sexual abuse which “creates a dialogue with parents and teachers to address the myths surrounding sexual abuse and also to help them deal with any situation of abuse faced by children”. A worthy effort, but why would NDTV not call someone from Childline – an organisation with a national reach which has been working with children, especially those who are economically backward, for decades and has a 24-hour helpline which can be called by children across the country? Because the spokespersons aren’t as pretty and famous. So instead we had Bobo the Baffler who baffled with his convoluted speech where he said that he doesn’t “think there is the sensitivity or the knowledge that when a child under 12 is reported missing you should be very very worried, because you know it probably means that the child is locked and I think there are many, we’ve only just formulated this year rather last year the protection for children from sexual offences act, and that I do believe that what happened in Dec thanks to the young women and men of Delhi was profound, there was a seminal moment and the shame surrounding a rape was lifted off, and we are at a similar inflection point – and I find a blindness to a certain section of society as it is…”

If you figured what he was saying by the end of this diatribe, good on you. He had learnt the figure “200 million children” and repeated it ad nauseum. And then repeated the phrase “My Foundation” another 3 times. Bobo, that’s just bad form. But can’t blame the poor bugger, Sonia had pretty much handed him a publicity platform to plug his NGO from. One man’s tragedy is another man’s PR campaign.

And it’s not just the channels, it’s also the newspapers which are peppered with quotes from Amitabh Bachhan – “Jails are not the solution… Keeping them bound and confined shall not change them or their thinking… They need to be made examples of. They need to be shamed first publicly and then left to the public to deal them justice in which ever way they seem fit!!… We all are living in insecure times, where the fear of authority and the call of discipline and awareness is non existent”. Maybe he wants to act in the desi version of V for Vendetta.

Shilpa Shetty: “Disgusted with the Delhi cop who slapped that girl who protested! What is our country coming to. When will this apathy end! Time to wake up. Strict punitive action must be taken against these offenders at the earliest. Heartbreaking!”

Karan Johar: “Shocked and disgusted beyonds words to hear about the rape of a 5 year old!!!! Are we officially a barbaric nation?? is morality extinct?” Punctuation definitely is.

That the presence and comments by celebrities who have no relevance to these debates simply makes a mockery of the topics being discussed and the state of affairs of the country, is obvious. But at least it is a sign that it is an equal world where actors and actresses wax eloquent on how we should run the country’s law and order machinery and whether murderers and rapists should be put to death. And we must thank the media for being the great equaliser encouraging freedom of speech. Too bad that as a result of their pro bono work for the Hindi film industry, they’ve given at least me yet another reason for not taking them and their shouting debates seriously.

I’ve been told that tomorrow Akshay Kumar will be sharing his views on the coal block allocation scam at prime-time, and Sunny Deol will be commenting on how to improve relations with Pakistan (drawing from his past experience with Gadar). Tune in, it will be a feast for the eyes if nothing else.