In a recent interview with Mumbai Mirror, the Central Board of Film Certification chief Pahlaj Nihalani expressed his disdain for people who want to “do sex” in the house with open doors, and added for good measure that the government “will definitely introduce censorship” even on digital platforms. He has made it clear that there are “lakshman rekhas” and that “you can’t allow people to do whatever they want”.

We thought we’d help in his sanskaari mission of “censorship”. And since clean-up acts must begin at home, we decided we’d help Nihalani-ji cut all the unsanskaari bits from movies he himself produced.

1)

Clearly, the CBFC chief back in the 90s didn’t have as keen an eye as Nihalani-ji. We suggest he cleans up Aag ka Gola, a film he produced in the 90s -– make Archana Puran Singh drown instead of frolic and replace the kiss with a two-second mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Kiss ka kiss ho gaya, and viewers have learnt a valuable life saving technique.

2)

Chi! Replace the videshi wine in this song from Uljhan with hot steaming chai. It will burn their lips and serve them right for attempting to “do sex in the open”.

There’s also this gem in the movie that normalises violence to create the perfect macho hero. Very Bharatiya sanskriti. Stays.

3)

In this song from Aankhein called Angna Mein Baba, Nihalani can cut the part where Govinda lifts the hem of Shilpa Shirodkar’s ghaghra and replace it with Govinda wrapping a duppata around Shirodkar’s choli.

The same film has a bathroom scene with Shirodkar wrapped in a towel “wanting to kiss in the open”. What a wanton. Luckily the snake saves the day by entering Govinda’s dhoti. All fine till now. But Govinda getting mildly aroused with the snake up his dhoti must go, no matter how ichchadhari that snake was. Some ichchas must not be demonstrated in the open, even if it is in the dhoti while the wearer is in the open.

4)

Girl in a shirt, ONLY A SHIRT. Boy shirtless, with a raging fire. This scene from Shola and Shabnam must go. Unless you replace the girl with a horse, and the horse cannot behave like the snake above.

This scene is fine, given the kisses last for like a second. But then Govinda tells Divya Bharti: “Aaj gusse mein de rahi ho, kal pyaar se de dena.” That’s future reference of how they will do inside their homes. Must go.

Yeh kya? All those groans and moans, and Anupam Kher-ji touching the naked leg of a woman? We Indians do in silence. Even if the rest stays, the sound effects must go. We only moan when we complain (of stomach pain or other illness), never at other times.

5)
Main Maal Gaadi Tu Dhakka Laga from Andaz suggests steam engine like hotness happening in the open. Please replace the mal gaadi with a bullet train – no need for dhakkas and we can give the message of smart cities too.

With overt references to the phallus, we suggest replacing the words Khada Hai in this song with Khadda Hai. That’s the pothole (in a non-BJP state highway) Anil Kapoor must jump into for suggesting arousal.

6)

Cover the kambal with another kambal in this song from First Love Letter. We suspect the bees were up to some hanky panky.

7)

“Jo bhi kuch kiya, kambal ke neeche in haatho ne kiya,” says a much-in-love Chunkey Pandey in Aag Hi Aag.  A perfectly sanskaari excuse for removing a woman’s clothes while she is intoxicated. After all, the woman got high on bhang. Stays.

8)
More “Khada” talk with Meenakshi Sheshadri teaching Mithun how to ride a bike in the 1985 film, Aandhi Toofan. Khaaiii for you guys!

9)
All said and done, you have to give it to Nihalani-ji for being a visionary. Shola aur Shabnam perfectly endorses the ‘Swachh Bhaarat Abhiyaan’. Ahead of the times, always Nihalani-ji.

You are welcome Nihalani-ji.