The Real Raghuram Rajan Farewell Letter

He’s the Meryl Streep of monetary policy and eats crony capitalists for breakfast and he’s got a few words for the Indian media

WrittenBy:Overrated Outcast
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Since the day I announced my resignation, I have been flooded with phone calls, emails, letters, text messages, and tweets, commiserating with me. While I appreciate the outpouring of love and support, I write this follow up to make a request: stop it.

Seriously, stop it. Stop flooding my voicemail inbox with your poignant goodbyes. Stop sending me pictures of my signature tattooed across your genitals. Stop promising that you will name all your future children after me.

If you expect me to break into some sort of musical asking you not to shed any tears for me, then you’re barking up the wrong tree. Though I have a beautiful voice, I do not posses Eva Peron’s range. And I only allow myself to feel emotions for an hour every 29th February. So it’s a little late for me to feel anything now.

But, unsurprisingly, I do have a few things to get off my chest.

You, the people, need to stop falling for every messiah the media appoints for you. I, for one, deserved all your love and adulation. However, quite often the media manipulates you into worshipping false gods.

The fourth estate is supposed to be one of the pillars of democracy. They’re supposed to be sceptical of every larger-than-life personality who comes along promising to solve all your problems. But instead of investigating their claims, the media turns into unvarnished fanboys and cheerleaders.

Similarly, every time some technocrat with a vague connection to the International Monetary Fund walks in spewing fancy jargon and wearing a Brooks Brothers suit, they anoint him as the last remaining saviour of the Indian economy. Sure, they were right about me, but now that I’m leaving and the country is doomed, you need to be extra careful. Our media organisations are full of gullible idiots who will fall for anyone with a handsome face and a mildly foreign accent. Just because someone can say “policy reforms” in Queen’s English does not mean they know what they’re doing.

So, dear friends in the media, next time, be a little more pessimistic. You’ve been doing this for years, yet you retain the optimism of the know-nothing, bright-eyed rookie who thinks anyone with more money than him is god. This is why people like Vijay Mallya can fool you because you’re more interested in getting an invitation to a party on his yacht than investigating his claims. You can be sweet-talked into saying anything! You’re not a jaded insider; you’re an easily-fooled mark.

As for the cretins in the government who are now leaking reports at how “upset” they were at my decision and that they weren’t “warned,” well, cry me a river. Did I hurt your delicate feelings? Too bad. You brought it upon yourself because of your aversion to people who actually know what they’re doing. Did you think that after you sent your racist puppy to constantly keep lobbing xenophobic barbs at me, I’d let you walk all over me? Yeah, not going to happen. Some of us have backbones. As I leave, I take away any remaining credibility you have in the eyes of the international community.

Don’t you ever forget that I’m Raghuram effin’ Rajan. I’m the demon banker of Mint Road. I eat crony capitalists for breakfast. I’m the Meryl Streep of monetary policy. The Idris Elba of interest rates. The Harry Styles of high finance. Worship me. Seek my wise counsel. Hire me to bring back the economy from the ninth circle of hell. Lie down at my feet in the hope that some intelligence rubs off on you. But don’t cross my path.

Remember the old joke about a plane about to crash in which there were more people than the number of parachutes? Well, right now, the Indian economy is that plane. The members of this government are its passengers. And I’m the guy who just jumped out with all the parachutes.

Take the wheel, Jaitley.

Love always,

Raghuram Rajan

The author can be contacted on Twitter @over_rated

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