On April 18, 2013, former Pakistan president Pervez Musharraf’s luck ran out like dross from a drainpipe on the streets of Lahore. An election tribunal banned him from standing for parliamentary election in Chitral in Taliban-infested Khyber-Pakthunkhwa province, the only place his nomination papers for the May 11, 2013 polls had been accepted. This was the fourth place he attempted to fight the polls from. Election tribunals in Karachi, Kasur in Punjab and Islamabad all gave him the boot, saying he had violated the Constitution by imposing Emergency in 2007. Worse, the Islamabad High Court refused to extend his bail for violating the Constitution, imposing the Emergency and detaining judges in 2007. But Mian Musharraf, like his rivals, Mian Nawaz Sharif, Mian Zardari, Mian Altaf Hussain et al, is an escape artist par excellence. As news of the court order splashed around, he had bolted, apparently to his hyper-secure farmhouse.

Newslaundry paid a few Indian rupees (twice the worth of the Pakistani rupee) and some chai paani to his security guards, and they let us inside.

NL: Mushi Dude, what happened?

PM: The AC in the courtroom wasn’t working. So I ran out. Too hot in Islamabad yaar. How I miss the AC confines of Dubai. I think there was a conspiracy to test my fitness. If I could stand in a hot room without fainting. Don’t they know I work out?

NL: How could the High Court do that?

PM: All those, who would kiss my a*** when I was ruler are now trying to kick my a***. Really, Pakistan is not what it was when I was around. I repeat what I said during the press conference I held recently: Where is the Pakistan I left behind? I always managed to keep the A/C on for the judiciary. 

NL: The Supreme Court, the four election tribunals are behind your, well, hind. You did so much for the Pakistani qaum and mulq. Why have they turned against you?

PM: (Wiping away some tears). Saale, all the guys in the tribunal are there because of who? Me. I gave them the power. I made them what they are today. So ungrateful.

NL: But Pervez saab, election tribunal and the judiciary are autonomous bodies. No?

PM: Of course. But autonomy is not for those out of power. Lafangey hain saale. Zardari, Nawaz, Benazir, General Zia all violated the Constitution. How could they accuse me of violating the Constitution which I myself have written?

NL: Our sources say you tried extra-constitutional methods to get a chance to fight the elections?

PM: Haan. Maine wire transfer karaya thha from Dubai,lekin itthe there’s been a blackout on black money yaar. Paisa Afghanistan main phas gaya.

NL: Oh. But you tried fighting polls from the north, centre, south and north-west of Pakistan. All four corners of Pakistan rejected you. Why?

PM: See Pakistan is just like India. People from different parts don’t see eye-to-eye, unless there is a war against India. Punjabi paneer doesn’t mix with Tamil sambaar. Bengali maccherjhol doesn’t go with Narendra Modi’s dhokla. In Karachi, the Sindhis won’t let me be. In Chatral, the Pathans will make me into keema. In Islamabad, Kayani and his chamchas (once my own men) won’t allow me to fight.

NL: But Kasur sir. Why did they stop you from there? You’re a proud Punjabi.

PM: That broke my heart. The Punjabis have betrayed their true leader.

NL: Why did you leave out Waziristan?

PM: Wahan, extremism bahut hi extreme ho gayee hai.

NL: What next Pervez saab?

PM: Bas yaar. Plan to meet up with my friend in India, Robert Vadra. We plan to open a gym a together, either in Dubai or through DLF. It will be called Dubai-DLF or DDLF Gym. Kya boddy-shoddy banaiyi rakkhii hai yaar usne. As you know, my many followers tweeted my work-out photos.

NL: One final question, how will you escape to Dubai?

PM: Abhi earthquake hui hai. There are lots of holes in Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iran. We’ll dig a tunnel till Dubai. It’s a good workout.