On the afternoon of November 2, 2016, the Narendra Modi government brewed itself a perfect storm. Delhi Police went out of its way to detain anyone trying to meet the family of retired serviceman, Ram Kishan Grewal, who had committed suicide while demanding the full dues of his pension under the One Rank One Pay (OROP) scheme.

To add insult to injury, even family members of Grewal were allegedly thrashed by the police when they tried to meet the visiting netas. VK Singh added icing to the cake by questioning Grewal’s mental state before he took the extreme step. And of course, social media provided all the context that we could ask for – because how would you know what to think if there isn’t a trending hashtag to guide you?

#UndeclaredEmergency screamed one twitter hashtag. #ModiDictator lamented the other, ominously warning us of an Indira Gandhi-style Emergency that would inevitably come under Modi raj. But with the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) government hitting the halfway mark, the only thing that the Modi administration is metamorphosing itself into is giant dicktatorship Sarkar.

While attempts to control the larger narrative, the press and public behaviour by the government and its ‘fringe’ affiliates is worrying, most of the actions have landed up making the administration ridiculously funny. This attempted dictatorship is beginning to look like a giant Kapil Sharma show, but with one difference: Kapil Sharma is not a daily. This dicktator soap opera plays almost daily. Comedy Nights – Watch out!   

Here are a few recent highlights.

The Prime Minister was the Chief Guest who gave the coveted Ramnath Goenka Excellence in Journalism awards. (What drove Modi to attend a function organised by ‘Bazaru Media’, we don’t know, but he did give away numerous awards to ‘Presstitute Journalists’) If irony hadn’t died (56 times) by then, Modi also lamented that maintaining credibility in media had become a real challenge! The fly in his soup, however, was journalist Akshaya Mukul’s decision to boycott the awards since Modi was the one giving it away. 

(Note to Prime Minister’s Office – need some #MakeInIndia journalists with spine)

A star player in this dicktatorship Sarker is Minister of State for Home Affairs, Kiren Rijiju, who said, “We should stop this habit of raising doubt, questioning the authorities and the police…This is not a good culture. But what we have been observing in India that the people have developed this habit of raising unnecessary doubts and questions.”

Sadly, his lessons on “no questions” got disrupted when news came in that the Madhya Pradesh Police had executed the world’s most botched up ‘encounter’, which was helpfully even videoed on numerous cellphones – much to the embarrassment of the government. (Next time Facebook Live: Encounter! Kyunki…? #DigitalIndia!)

Of course questions can be asked – depending which way the wind is blowing. So if there are a few students in Jawaharlal Nehru University (JNU) who have allegedly shouted anti-India slogans, questions are totally encouraged. Because hell, they’re a threat to national security, right? But when a JNU student goes missing for almost three weeks (after a scuffle with ABVP activists), it’s not really worth anyone’s time or attention.  

So far though the star of this dicktatorship sarkar has been Defence Minister Manohar Parrikar, who could have a part-time career as a lab rat for the foot-in-mouth disease. His statements have done more damage to the Indian Army than any terror attack. First, the bungled-up handling of media after the ‘surgical strikes’ and then comparing the forces to a sleeping Hanuman and finally, linking surgical strikes to the RSS teachings.

(Finally, much to the relief of the government, there are unverified reports that he has promised not to use the word ‘surgical’ again.)

An honorable mention must be made of Union Culture Minister, Mahesh Sharma, who, besides trying to take us back to 5000BC in the name of sanskar and culture actually went to Bisara in Greater Noida to play respects to Ravi – a martyr who lost his life in custody – after being jailed for conducting a ‘Surgical Beef Strike’

A tiranga-wrapped farewell for an alleged killer was a true highlight of a secular, dicktatorship sarkar. (Note to Gau Rakshaks – get some fresh beef in before beginning lynching.)

Last but not least, there is the Maharashtra division of the dicktatorship, which went bonkers before the release of Ae Dil Hai Mushkil. When Raj Thackeray promised a rampage, no one from the state government said anything, but just about a week before the scheduled release, the State popped up as a broker, sealing a deal between the film’s producers and Maharashtra Navnirman Sena of extortion money – all because there was a Pakistani actor playing a bit part in it. By agreeing to play along with Thackeray, not only did the State validate Samuel Johnson’s old saying that “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel”, they also managed to stick a price tag on nationalism – ie Rs 5 crore only (less than the cost of a flat in South Delhi).

So hang tight as the dicktatorship Sarkar fumbles into the second half of its 60-month mandate and continues to entertain all of us. All you have to do is not question the Prime Minister. Also Gau Rakshaks. And intolerance. Oh, and the Army. Acche Din are here.