One of the most consistent and hilarious silver linings of Donald Trump’s run for President of the United States has been watching a few Right-wing Indians latch on to him like he’s the answer to their prayers. Which is not surprising. After all, he’s a sexist, homophobic, racist xenophobe who conflates human decency with political correctness. What’s not to like?

They’ve even managed to put him on the same pedestal that is usually reserved for Prime Minister Narendra Modi. Which is quite unfair to our Prime Minister. Modi has many, many, faults. But if there is one thing he’s got going for himself it’s that he’s not Donald Trump. That’s right. You heard it here first!

Sure, Modi and Trump might seem similar. They’re both megalomaniac authoritarians whose main political plank is majoritarian victimhood. They’re both prone to embellishing reality to suit their narrative. And most of the time, they sound like an internet comment section come to life. Still, they’re not the same. For example, Modi isn’t going to refuse to deal with German Chancellor Angela Merkel because he thinks she’s a ‘five’. He won’t threaten to bomb Canada just because Justin Trudeau subtweeted him. Hell, even the billionaires Modi is beholden to aren’t fronts for Vladimir Putin.

But this very false equivalence of parity between Modi and Trump forms the basis of this anti-liberalism screed.

The arguments the writer assigns to the liberal straw man in his article are beyond absurd. Apparently, all liberals do is organise beef parties, evangelise the policies of Joseph Stalin and support terrorists. This article would have been funny if the arguments weren’t so clichéd. Not to mention familiar – we’ve heard them 100 times over from the Right-leaning, pro-Hindutva brigade that munches and oozes its way through Twitter and Facebook’s woodworks.  

At one point, the writer even accuses liberals in India of praying for our elected leaders death. I, for one, didn’t know Mr Sareen possessed occult, prayer-reading powers. (It’s either that or he’s surveilling liberals like the Right-wing version of William Baldwin’s character in Sliver.) I’m surprised he didn’t accuse all liberals of practicing black magic.

Mr Sareen implies that a huge group of people with different beliefs and opinions are all involved in one, vast Left wing conspiracy while all the people on his ‘side’ of the ideological divide are tiny islands of independent thought who arrive at the same conclusions, consisting of the same talking points, individually.

When someone accuses you of nonsensical things, there is no logical argument, no actual evidence and no fact that will change their mind. Because they’re not arguing with you. They’re arguing with whatever exaggerated version of you that exists in their head.

Look, there are many points to be made about the problems of Indian liberalism – its insular nature, its inability to reach out, the constant whining, self-flagellation and infighting. However, unlike what the writer suggests, not organising a “pork festival” is not one of them.

Seriously Mr Sareen? You can literally get a pepperoni pizza delivered to your house right now. And no Member of Parliament from the ruling party will tell you to go to Texas if you want to have a large portion of pork ribs.

It’s mystifying that the Indian Right is actually going out of its way to embrace and hoist upon its shoulders a man who has asked Muslims be banned and a wall be built to keep Mexicans and other immigrants out of America. In America, they can say they want change and that a significant chunk of the country didn’t want to vote in someone who pretty much embodies the establishment. What’s the Indian Right’s excuse? They’ve got the change that they wanted in this country.

In fact, Trump’s victory was actually a great opportunity for the Indian Right to offer evidence that they’ve got more than saffron blinkers and gau mata going for them. They could have pointed out how much smarter and generally more palatable the Indian Right is in contrast to Trump and his league of anti-Semites and white nationalists. But no, they went cheering for Trump – a man who is internationally known for being the star of a reality TV show and a joke in real life. To quote a President elect, “Sad”.

But it’s not just Trump’s awe-inspiring ridiculousness, but the fact that here in India, we’ve got people who claim an incisive intellect but are supporting a man who has made no bones about his racism and who has the support of the Ku Klux Klan. Yes, the scary dudes with the washing-powder-Nirma-white bedsheets and pointy hats with badly-cut holes for eyes, who have a history of going around killing black people and whose signature move is a gigantic, burning cross. These are the genteel folks in Trump’s clan and Trump is the man whom the Indian Right has decided to cheer. Trump, at whose rallies non-whites have been abused and even beaten up simply because of their race. But hey, Trump attended a Hindu convention and lit a diya. He’s totes with the Brown Nation.

The Indian liberals haven’t looked as smart as they do right now, with the Right channelling their Tarzan over Trump’s victory, in ages. Thanks for that.  

Here’s a simple and disturbing fact: nativist appeals to majoritarian populations are winning elections all over the world because when you’re used to being the privileged one, equality feels like oppression. “Let’s show those bastards who is the boss” will always win over “Hey, please help us try to make the world a little more equal, please? Wait, where are you going?” Does that victory mean you can turn back time and regress? History suggests the answer is no.

Now please excuse me, I have a Donald Trump voodoo doll to torture.

The author can be contacted on Twitter @over_rated