There’s much wrong with the state tableaux that have come to be the hallmark of the Republic Day parade along the Rajpath in New Delhi. For starters, they teeter between super drab and cringe-inducing. Despite the fact that they look like school projects, there’s actually an elaborate process by which states and their tableaux are selected.

Here’s how it works: The states send their proposals to a Ministry of Defence (MoD) committee, which either gives an “ok go” – like for Delhi this year after a gap of three years – or a “no way”, as in the case of Bihar.

Our sympathies with Bihar and its proposal for Vikramshila, an ancient educational centre, but the show must go on. And it will go on with 17 states. Three will finally get the best tableaux award.

This year, these are the floats in competition.  

A lot of this sounds nice, but isn’t exactly an honest description of what we know is the on-ground reality in these states. For instance, Haryana going with the “Beti Bachao” theme can only be described as the tombstone of irony (may it rest in peace) given its sex ratio and incidents like the Murthal gang rapes (which may or may not have happened). We’d also like to know whether “winter sports” is a euphemism when applied to Kashmir and if “sports” include stones and pellets.

Under the circumstances, we decided that it was time for a really honest Republic Day Parade commentary. Here’s what you didn’t hear this morning, but what you should know about the states of the nation.

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Good morning and welcome, ladies, gentlemen and citizens of India. We are at Rajpath, awaiting the arrival of the 17 glorious tableaux from different parts of India, that will in their finery celebrate the 68th Republic Day.

Here comes the first one and it is Delhi.

Coming after three years, this first tableau from the nation’s capital shows dudes using Wifi signals as pogo sticks. They are high on the hope of finding a hotspot. Until (east) Delhi gets the free internet it’s been promised, the only constant in their lives is air pollution.

Next up, is udta Punjab. Any resemblance between the seated man and Shahid Kapoor is purely coincidental, especially since he will not come out of this addiction alive.

Now, tied together by the Cauvery, here are the states of Tamil Nadu and Karnataka where men can be seen fighting over water, while forcing themselves over women and bulls.

And look what comes our way! Yes, dear viewers, it is indeed the float from the North East. Because none of you can name all the Northeastern states. This float reflects what mainland India knows of this region of the country – that is, nothing. Here, have a momo.

Following the region that we know little about is a state of which we know in gory detail. This year, Uttar Pradesh has presented a striking display of father-son love and how not to ride a tandem bicycle.

On the Jammu and Kashmir float, is a giant red eyeball, and an eye test that some in the Valley will no longer be able to pass. But never fear, there’s a soldier near.

Look, here comes West Bengal, which, to remind us of Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee’s dreams of renaming the state, has a giant bongo, made of sandesh, as its tableau.

Finally, the only tableau that matters. From Gujarat, we see a scene of social harmony and progress – gaurakshaks belting Dalit teenagers, standing on a platform made of dhokla. Moo-ve along, there’s nothing more to see here.

With that, it is time for us to leave you as the floats float past. Let us hope that in 2017, the Republic grows stronger and that our Constitution is held sacred. Now, please stand – those on wheelchair, display maximum alertness – as we play the national anthem.