Danger! Salman’s acting in Tubelight!

Tubelight is the Kumaoni Forrest Gump, minus any acting talent from star actor who plays the lead.

WrittenBy:Deepanjana Pal
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Kabir Khan’s Tubelight should come with this advisory: “Salman Khan tries to act in this film.” It is a more important warning than the ones for smoking, alcohol and animal welfare because watching Salman attempting to emote for the duration of Tubelight is hazardous to the audience’s mental health.

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Salman hasn’t had to act in decades. His stupendous popularity is based on his swag and that inexplicable quality that is screen presence. This is a man who effortlessly commands the audience’s attention when he enters any scene, even those crowded with extras and character actors. Usually, after having caught everyone’s eye, he mumbles a few lines or punches a few extras, and lets the cinematography and soundtrack do the rest. In Tubelight, the camera zooms in on his ageing face and waits for him to act. Salman then delivers a performance that is so hammy and cheesy that you might just find yourself reaching for two slices of white bread and some tomato. He’s so bad that even Sohail Khan stands out as a decent actor next to Salman. That’s remarkable and as brotherly gifts go, extremely magnanimous. However, it’s not very kind towards the audience.

Set in 1962, during the Sino-Indian War, Tubelight is about two brothers from a village named Jagatpur. One is a son of the soil who joins the army and is named Bharat (Sohail Khan). The other is also a son of the soil and village idiot — which is an achievement in itself because Jagatpur is profoundly idiotic in general — who doesn’t qualify for the army. Instead, Laxman (Salman) sits and waits for his beloved brother to return so that they can together run across the lush mountainscapes of Kumaon, providing the audience with an unforgettable display of mobile moobs. (Empathetic women in the audience may well clutch their own bosoms when they see Sohail and Salman’s heaving chests, and thank the powers that be for bras.)

One day, a mother and son show up. They’re Indians from Calcutta, but of Chinese origin. Tubelight would have you believe that the only reason they face any animosity is because of the war that’s going on. Everyone from the North East, please remember this is Bollywood and therefore not obliged to actually acknowledge the everyday racism that mainland India dishes out to anyone who doesn’t fit the norm. Fortunately, Laxman is empty-headed and therefore without either prejudice or personality, which is apparently the best a liberal can hope for in a Bollywood hero today.

Laxman strikes up a friendship with the mother and son, which doesn’t extend to him actually learning how to pronounce the little boy’s perfectly simple name. Laxman keeps calling him “Goo”, which means potty as Laxman helpfully reminds us, rather than Guo (Matin Rey Tangu). This is terribly mean because Tangu’s the cutest munchkin Bollywood’s seen in a while. But when there are people like Narayan (Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub) hell bent upon killing the non-Indian-looking newcomers, it makes sense that the guy who calls you “potty” is the preferred option. So while Indian soldiers like Bharat find themselves in unwinnable situations with the Chinese forces, in Jagatpur, Guo and Laxman become friends.

In the middle of all this, there’s the venerable Om Puri, looking remarkably like an aloo bonda but as endearing as ever, and Shah Rukh Khan as the magician Gogo Pasha.

Although the film is officially a remake of the 2015 American film Little Boy, Tubelight is actually a Kumaoni Forrest Gump. Laxman doesn’t run, but he’s supposed to be the innocent that inspires. Tweaked to fit the Indian context, Laxman is a fan of Gandhi and believes faith can move mountains. Literally. To prove this point, he stands with his knees slightly hunched, scrunches his face and grunts while sticking his arms out — presumably for a little extra energy. Lo and behold, there’s an earthquake and the mountains move.

There’s a teeny problem with Laxman’s guiding principle. Translated into Hindi, the phrase about moving mountains leads to repeated use of the term “hila de“, which has an unfortunate colloquial association with masturbation. It doesn’t help that the running gag in Laxman’s life is that his trousers are constantly in need of being zipped up. Deduce from that what you will.

However, reasoning is not one of Jagatpur’s talents. For instance, after the earthquake that Laxman’s faith causes, no one in Jagatpur seems to be bothered by the damage. They’re too busy marvelling at Laxman’s powers. There’s another bizarre crossing of emotional wires when Jagatpur breaks out in song and dance after news of the ceasefire reaches the village. Because that’s what Jagatpur does when the enemy invades, dominates the action and declares ceasefire at its own convenience — behave like India had cornered China and rejoice that the fighting is over. To quote Monty Python, always look on the bright side of life.

On paper, Tubelight is just the kind of film we need in a country that is confronted with its divisions and losing sight of its diversity. Kabir Khan packs in all sorts of noble thoughts and lofty ideas in his script. In one scene that has Guo and Laxman cheerfully trying to outshout each other — they’re yelling “Bharat Mata Ki Jai” — Khan subtly makes the point of how these slogans are posturing more than patriotism. What we see on screen is an innocent, childish game that drives home how twisted these politics have become off screen.

One of the most memorable scenes in Tubelight has Guo’s mother standing up to Narayan and pointing out that she is Indian despite her Chinese roots and she doesn’t need him to give her a certificate of approval. Unfortunately, the moving and entertaining episodes barely flicker into existence. The storytelling skills that Kabir Khan displayed in his previous films and most recently in Bajrangi Bhaijaan are nowhere to be seen. Tubelight is weighed down by uninspired writing, unmemorable dialogues, unnecessary songs and of course, Salman’s acting inability. Despite being a war film starring Salman, there are no moments of spectacular action and for most part, Tubelight teeters between tiresome and boring.

For Salman’s fans, this is going to be a test. They’ve worshipped him for his devil-may-care machismo and cool, aggressive masculinity. However, in the past few years, there’s been a concerted project to change Salman’s image. Tubelight is the latest layer of whitewash and just because of the following the actor still commands, the film is bound to have an excellent opening. However, it’ll be interesting to see if it lasts at the box office and break records the way many of Salman’s previous releases have. Will Salman’s fans shower the same admiration for this passive, empty-headed, goody-two-shoes avatar? Most importantly, can they survive Salman acting?

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