A Modi Apologist’s Guide to Coming Back from the Dark Side

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article that offered mild criticism of the government. Then, for a number of days, I had to ward off online attacks on my Twitter account from the governing party’s useful idiots. It was so sad to watch them throw their badly spelled ad-hominem attacks at me hoping that something would stick. Are these people supposed to be our future? No wonder they’re jobless. What sort of moron would hire them? Wait, don’t answer that. Not yet anyway.

. Those professional trolls are no fun. And this piece is not for them. I’m writing this to help all those columnists who had hitched their wagon to the Modi gravy train many years ago and are now regretting their actions since he’s lost a bit of his sheen. They worry that if he goes down, he’s going to take them with him.

. I know I am quite disappointed with him. No, not because of the communal tensions he’s wrought. But because I thought hopping up on the Modi bandwagon would do wonders for my career. But that was not to be.

. Neither did I get a friendly industrialist buy me my own news channel nor did I get nominated to the Rajya Sabha. I didn’t even get a Padam Bhushan. Which was such a slap in the face because even Rajat bloody Sharma got one. What has been his contribution besides desensitising us towards aliens so much that even if actual extra-terrestrial beings land up on our planet we’ll be like “that’s fake news!” I sold my soul to the devil and didn’t even get a stupid t-shirt.

. Now, as someone whose been around for a long time, I know how to extract myself from such situations. But these new kids on the block seem to have painted themselves into a corner. Therefore, as I’ve always endeavoured to help the less fortunate, I’ve decided to teach these bandwagon jumping nincompoops how to bring themselves back from the abyss and be taken seriously once again.

. One Simply Doesn’t Walk Into Mordor

. I know what you’re thinking. Why would all those liberals and those liberals who pretend to be centrists take you back as you’ve revealed how much of a hack you really are. Relax! It’s all good. It doesn’t matter what you did and wrote in the past. You might have said and done despicable things. Or might have indulged in the same things you now criticise other people for. But people have short memories. They’ll forget and forgive all your past misdeeds as long as you start agreeing with them some of the times.

. I know. Sounds unbelievable. But it’s that easy. For cripes sake, they forgave Arun Shourie, who is like the Dr Frankenstein to Modi’s Frankenstein’s monster. He’s now part of “the resistance.” He gets a standing ovation for the speeches he gives at the press club. After all, it’s the meeting place for all those deluded individuals who are in denial about their impotence in the face of the slow and steady muzzling of the media by the government. So they’ll forgive you too!

. But you have to make sure the change you exhibit is gradual. There is nothing like a redemption story. People love those things. So you went rogue for a bit. But as long as you pretend that you supported racism and bigotry because you care so much about your country, you’ll be fine.

. You have to start sowing the seeds and then slowly evolve in your views. Remember, you have to go from expounding insanity to showing a semblance of common sense. This can’t happen in one day. It has to be at a gradual pace. Like a character in an Ashutosh Gowariker movie, you have to spend a lot of time talking in circles before you get to the point.

. You can begin your return by picking on the small fry. Choose your target wisely. Pick someone who might be personally loyal to Modi, but doesn’t matter in the large scheme of things. Then go to town on them! You can take on the leader’s underlings to your heart’s content, as long as you don’t fail to mention that their worst mistake is failing the trust the leader put in them. Sure, it also says much about the leader that he is so insecure that he surrounds himself with people who are so incompetent that any sane person wouldn’t even trust them to walk a porcelain dog, but we’re going to ignore that little tidbit for now.

. The Fellowship of the Sniveling Hot Takes

. After that, it’s time to jump on some sort of oppressed minority bandwagon and write your I Too Am An Ally column. Pick whatever hopeless cause people are into that week and start the virtue signalling. Whether it’s gay rights or sexual harassment in the workplace or a Dalit rights rally, you don’t actually have to understand the issue or empathise with the problems faced by people not as lucky as you are. Just tell them what they’re doing wrong like bringing attention to the fact that they’re being treated like second class citizens in their own country.

. Folks fighting for their rights love nothing more than to get feedback from those who don’t even have enough self-awareness to acknowledge their own privilege. Though those who have to bear the consequences of your cavalier attitude towards the plight of others might criticise you for your lazy attempt at ally-ship, those who commission op-eds are going to take note and give you full marks for trying. What a time to be alive!

. Then comes the How Did We Get Here column. Use whatever recent horrific tragedy is dominating the news cycle and express your dismay and consternation. And if you can slip in a dig or two about “both sides” then you’re golden. Even though most issues don’t have both sides, it’s always fun to pretend to be angry on the victim’s behalf but for some reason still be able to blame them in a roundabout way.

. The next one is going to leave a bit of distaste in your mouth. But, if you want to write for someone other than Swarajya , you might one day be called upon to defend JNU. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Count to 10. I know what I’m asking you to do. Believe me, I know. I threw up a little just writing that sentence.

. It’s not my fault. These idiots in power have ruined JNU as a liberal strawman. They have spent the past four years using the university and its students as a punching bag. They’ve even managed to turn all those anti-nationals into folk heroes. Ugh. So bite the metaphorical bullet and make the ultimate sacrifice.

. The Final Countdown

. Lastly, it’s time for the big one. Now you have to finally criticise the Prime Minister. You start by saying how enough is enough and you can’t sit back and let him get away with it anymore. You explain how this is not what you supported him for! You thought he’d deliver development, not beef bans/lynch mobs/economic ruin! Even though most rational people had warned us about what would happen, you should act that the current state of the country is a surprise for you.

. This will get you praise and applause even though you’ve constantly been wrong about everything. However, as long as you can hit some of the right notes, dot your I’s and cross your T’s, you’ll be taken seriously. Forget saying something insightful or profound, you don’t even have to be of sound mind.

. And if you want to make lots of money and have a long career, don’t be afraid to abandon your fiercely held principles. Or get newer ones. Be like a weather wane. Always know which way the wind is blowing. Remember, you should never attempt to go deep and sincerely examine your own role in supporting, propping up and disseminating propaganda for and on behalf of a government that turns a blind eye to all kinds of violence as long as it helps them to stay in power.

. It’s not like we didn’t know what we were getting into. We made a Faustian bargain. Sure, some innocent people might be dead as an indirect result of our actions, but at least we will get a couple of bridges out of it. Maybe even a bullet train! Let’s pretend that all those we lose gave up their lives for the good of the country! They’re not victims of injustice, they’re martyrs for the motherland! Of course, we would have joined this brave group of people, but someone has to provide those mobs with intellectual cover, right?

. You’re just a messenger. You don’t have to worry about the consequences of your actions. That’s a rabbit hole you don’t want to go down into. Just suppress any feelings of guilt or regret that you have and one day you too will be dead inside like I am. You’re welcome.

. Hope this helps!

A Modi Apologist’s Guide to Coming Back from the Dark Side

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