A charlatan’s guide to becoming a Right-wing superstar

Dear commies, socialists, atheists, feminists and other assorted anti-national readers of this liberal rag—today is your lucky day. Since I saw that most of you were so interested in my forthcoming classes at JNU, I thought I’d give you all a taste of what you’re missing by giving you a free lesson. You’re welcome, dummies.

. Now, in my extensive travels across the globe, I am often asked how I managed to integrate myself into the Modirati. Well, let me tell you once and for all: there was nothing to “integrate” myself into. The Prime Minister and I have always had a great relationship. I dedicate my entire existence to promoting and defending him and he treats me with barely disguised contempt and disdain. One time he even had me thrown out of a meeting room I had managed to finagle my way into. Classic Narendra! Don’t worry, that’s how he shows love. I mean, he loves and respects Mr Advani the most in the world and look how he treats him.

. Welcome to the jungle

. Now, I know you’re wondering whether you’re qualified to be a Right-wing political pundit? And the short answer is—yes, you are. There are no minimum qualifications. Everyone is welcome, as long as you’re dead on the inside.

. Listen, friends, don’t overthink it. Do you know why the BJP has the equivalent of an entire IT company dedicated to churning out fake news at an industrial scale? Because the BJP and its family of organisations have managed to create an alternate reality for their members and followers. So if they can continue to take advantage of their supporters, then why can’t we?

. If you still have any doubts, think of all the benefits. Once you become a Right-wing superstar, the entire Modiverse will line up to fill your pockets. Regular opinion columns, TV appearances, invitations to conferences held at the best tourist spots—if you want it, you got it. And depending on how much you debase yourself, you’ll eventually get some comfortable sinecure: either with a well-funded think tank or through a government appointment.

. If you still have any hesitation, take my journey into consideration. I went from peddling fake history to rubes on the Internet to a visiting professor at JNU’s Centre of Media Studies. Who’da thunk it?

. However, before you start your magical journey, there are a few inconvenient and insignificant things you need to give up and forget. Like your free will, your conscience, your dignity, and your self-respect.

. You’re part of a group now. You need to leave your ego and sense of self at the door. From now on, you don’t matter as a person. You can retain your own name and identity, of course, but you can’t have your own opinions. Or your own likes and dislikes. You like what our hive mind wants you to like. And you hate what it wants you to hate. No exceptions! You’re going to be part of a cult, not a political movement.

. If you’re looking for an example to emulate, look at the television anchor and human megaphone, Arnab Goswami. He’s our star, but in a completely nondescript way. He used to have a very loud sense of self. But now he’s just a small cog in our large wheel. Anything he was before he joined us doesn’t matter now.

. Tricks of the trade

. Now that you know all that you need to give up to be a Right-wing superstar, you’re ready for the next phase. Now I’ll tell you how to frame your arguments for maximum personal gain.

. The first rule of being a Right-wing superstar is that you’re always the victim . It doesn’t matter who you’re talking about or whatever the situation is. For example, if you imply that the people of a state are suffering their worst flood in decades because of their insistence on eating beef, and people point out that you’re being dumb and racist, you double down and spend the next few days complaining about how liberals are trying to suppress you. Keep in mind that you never admit that you’re wrong! If need be, triple down on your claims. Keep insisting that you’re just asking questions about it and the so-called tolerant Left is impeding on your right to free speech. You’re the person suffering the most here, not the people stuck in an apocalyptical deluge.

. You need to build your #brand by constantly trying to own the libs . Owning here doesn’t refer to buying human beings. “Own the libs” is slang for upsetting or triggering the liberal elite. Liberals are very easy to own. Our target demographic loves people who yell at pinko commie anti-nationals. Especially when the recipient of the yelling is not present in person. Take every opportunity you get.

. Earlier this year, when it was announced that Pranab Mukherjee would be speaking at an RSS function, the liberals went crazy. It was wild! So we decided to add to their woes by defending him. That’s right. Every one of us, from the upper echelons of the government and the RSS to the rancid pile of garbage known as the BJP IT cell, were busy expressing admiration for the former President. Someone who was a life-long Congressman, a political sycophant who served three generations of the Nehru-Gandhis, a man who had his hands in every rag-tag coalition formed to keep the BJP out of power. He was one of Sanjay’s enablers during the Emergency. He literally stood against every principle the party has claimed to uphold since its inception. But we praised him and gave him a huge platform to chastise us, thereby expertly owning the libs.

. Of course, the biggest weapon in your arsenal is whataboutery . For the uninitiated, whataboutery is the process of responding to an assertion, accusation or a difficult question with a separate assertion, accusation or a difficult question that has no relation to the current discussion. Anyone who falls for it gets put on the back-foot because instead of making their original point, they now have to tackle this new question. The purpose of whataboutery isn’t to have a discussion. It’s to make bad faith arguments that distract people from actual issues.

. Take the debate that took place last year about standing up for the national anthem in movie theatres. People opposing it had an actual point! There can be a smorgasbord of reasons why someone doesn’t want to stand for the national anthem in a movie theatre. Maybe they don’t like public displays of affection. Maybe they have nowhere to keep their tray. Maybe they think that a matinee screening of something called Fukrey Returns isn’t the solemn and dignified environment that the national anthem deserves. Patriotism is a personal emotion and our constitution gives everyone the right to express it in the way they want to.

. But all we had to do to divert attention was loudly wonder why all those unpatriotic elitists who have no problem waiting in line outside a newly opened Starbucks or a concert for a long time cannot stand for 52 seconds for the anthem while our poor soldiers—who sacrifice so much so we can use them as a political pawn—stand outside in the snow for 52 weeks? Do they have no shame? And lo! Now the debate was about anti-nationals refusing to stand-up for the national anthem. When no one actually said that they don’t want to stand up for the national anthem. Check and mate, libbies.

. Another way to win debates is to structure your arguments using faux nationalism . It works for everything! When people object to the government imposing the Aadhaar card on the entire population, or because the database leaks like a sieve, you don’t try to come up with actual answers to their assertions. You question their patriotism. “Hey, if you can give all your information and biometric data to the United States government for a mere visa, you can’t give it to your own government? What a shame!” See, now they are busy defending their patriotism with some boring argument about the Constitution and people have already moved on to the next outrage. Yes, it’s that simple.

. The best way to differentiate yourself from the crowd is to come up with your own conspiracy theories about the latest enemy of the people. This way you will attract more attention. Just take something someone said, remove the context, make up a few spicy details, slap on a crispy name and voila, you have a new public enemy. Nobody cares that you’re putting a new spin on old enemies. All they want is a new name to call people they don’t agree with. Enjoy!

. Keep in mind that if you run afoul with any of our unreasonable laws, you’re on your own . No one is coming to rescue you. In fact, most of us are going to throw you under the bus as soon as it gets a little inconvenient. Nothing personal, just business. Hope you understand!

. Finally, when arguing with any so-called liberal/commie/Khangressi/Urban Naxal, remember that there is no room for reasonable debate . Either people support us outright or they are anti-national, anti-Hindu scum who should take their rightful place at the ISI HQ along with the rest of the tukde-tukde gang.

. So there you go. That’s the secret.

. The world is now your poisoned oyster. Go forth and feed it to everyone!

A charlatan’s guide to becoming a Right-wing superstar

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