And now, for the million dollar question. Who’ll replace #UrjitPatel?

The 'bureau chief' has a suggestion.

WrittenBy:Vivek Kaul
Date:
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The CA from Chennai was getting ready to leave for yet another speech to explain the benefits of demonetisation. Even two years later, people couldn’t have enough of him.  

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As he stepped out from his fifth-floor office on Mylapore, his Swadeshi-made-in-India mobile phone rang. “It’s done,” the voice at the other end said. “Patel has quit.”

“Oh really?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Be louder, I can’t hear you,” said the CA.

“Oh my. Get yourself a proper Chinese mobile phone, da”. The call ended.

The CA from Chennai smiled. Finally, the 30-year journey was coming to an end.

***

Evening had come. The sun had set on Raisina Hill. The finance minister had morphed himself into the bureau chief. This was way more fun than the day job. The alter ego had taken over. “So, Ram Lal,” he asked his peon, “what’s the big news that needs management today?”

Ram Lal didn’t say anything but handed over a fax that had just come in.

“Oh, our fax machine works after 5 pm?” the bureau chief asked.

Ram Lal nodded. Yes.

“Patel has quit,” the bureau chief said, looking at the fax.

Ram Lal nodded again.

“Looks like he has finally found a job.”

Ram Lal nodded again.

“Okay, let me just make a few calls.”

Ram Lal sat next to the bureau chief and started making the calls. Meanwhile, he continued to nod.

***

Somewhere in Noida, Ankit Chauhan had spent another fruitful day making memes and writing jokes about the widow and her son. At this rate, he would soon have saved up enough and, possibly, move on to full-time standup comedy. This writing of jokes on just one topic was starting to get to him. He was just about to leave the office when his boss called.

“Patel has quit,” the boss said.

“Oh.”

“We need five memes making fun of him quickly.”

“Oh.”

“We also need a WhatsApp forward explaining five reasons why Patel’s quitting is good for India.”

“Oh,” replied Chauhan and went back to his cubicle. His evening out was screwed. From the looks of it, he would miss Kamra’s standup show again.  

***

Somewhere above the Lok Kalyan Marg Metro station, the leader had just been woken up from the late afternoon nap. “Sir, you have to work 18 hours a day,” Mishra, his private secretary, told him.

“But why did you wake me up?” the leader asked. “I was just getting to the bit where I have won the 2019 elections and am about to make the speech.”

“Patel has quit.”

“Ah, finally. Took him some time,” the leader said and got up from the bed.

***
Somewhere on the outskirts of Chicago, where it was snowing.

“Mr Rajan, what do you think of Patel’s resignation?” a TV reporter asked as soon as Rajan stepped out of his home.

“Oh, he dug his grave at the very beginning.”

“How so, sir?”

“Well, he agreed to say yes to demonetisation.”

“Hmmm.”

“And after that, it became impossible for him to say no to anything.” Rajan pushed past the reporter and sped away on a ski-mobile.

***
Meanwhile, in Nagpur (or maybe even in Delhi), the Sangh chief was in the middle of a meeting. “Who do we make the next governor?” he asked of no one in particular in the room.

Sir, the CA from Chennai,” someone replied.

“Speaks too much,” the Sangh chief replied. “Will keep getting us into trouble every day. It’s one thing to be outside the system and speak, and totally another thing to be inside it.”

“And, like Rajan, he doesn’t understand the difference?” someone asked.

“I don’t know.”

***

Back to somewhere in Lutyens’ Delhi.  The phone rang. The bureau chief picked up. “Do you have anyone in particular you think is suited for the job?” the Sangh chief asked.

“Of course, Sir.”

“Who?”

“My peon, Ram Lal.”

“Your peon?”

“He doesn’t say a word. Just nods to everything.”

“That’s what we want. But does he have a PhD?”

“Yes, sir, a PhD in the history of the RBI and why RBI chiefs quit before the end of their term.”

***

Meanwhile, somewhere in south Mumbai. Patel is back home, has a glass of apple juice in his hand and is looking out of the window into the endless sea.

His elderly mother has just joined him and is patting his head, saying: “Don’t worry, beta. Acche din aane waale hain.”

(Vivek Kaul is the author of the Easy Money trilogy. On most days he makes a living writing on finance and economics. Occasionally, when he doesn’t understand what is happening in the world around him, he writes satire.)

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