The Third Slip: Issue 95 – Keep it in your Pand ya

Flinging the chappal of truth and satire.

WrittenBy:Chuck and Tony
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Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip—the weekly newsletter that is the written equivalent of a controversial Koffee with Karan episode, with two immature men mouthing off things that they don’t fully comprehend but delivered with so much confidence that they end up making the headlines. Now there’s a crossover that we never expected.

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This is issue 95. 95, of course, was the year in which the internet finally became fully available to the public. Recognising this epoch-marking year, we will use this issue to utilise the awesome power we’ve been given to go forth and make childish jokes on the Internet—using the camouflage of the news…

At Home

Alok tantra: Ah, democracy! That magnificent system that ensures there are institutions to check abuse of power by elected governments. The Supreme Court this week reinstated Alok Verma as the director of the CBI. To which, the government said, “Thank you, Vermach” and transferred him to take charge of Fire Services. And then, Mr Verma said, “Ýou can’t fire me, I quit.”

Reserve vote bank of India: 2019 started off with yet another masterstroke from the ruling party, in an election year no less. The genius move proposed a 10 per cent reservation for the economically weak upper caste section. The bill was passed by parliament with very little opposition. The cut off has been set at an annual income of ₹8 lakhs per annum which possibly includes everyone, but no new jobs. There is not enough time to parse through the ironies and oxymorons in this move that puts the vile in privilege.

Con-science call: The 106th Indian Science Congress had the theme “Future India: Science and Technology”. We don’t think it’s a coincidence that the theme spells out FIST. They congregation fisted science, logic, and the very existence of truth itself. TL;DR: they concluded that Newton and Einstein were wrong, that gravitational waves should be renamed Modi waves, and that Kauravas prove that India had mastered stem cell technology thousands of years ago. Right on cue, the HRD ministry has created the first school board for Vedic education. Of course, you would get a certificate from this board only if you use past perfect tense always.

Putting the fug in fugitive: The King of Good Times now has one more title: Vijay Mallya is the first Fugitive Economic Offender, meaning his properties can now be seized. Don’t worry, Virat Kohli is not Mr Mallya’s property.

Mygrand gesture: The government passed a legislation with which illegal migrants from neighbouring countries will be granted citizenship (aww, how nice!). (Wait, didn’t we deport Rohingyas back to Myanmar in a violation of international laws? How are we suddenly…) Except Muslims (oh. Er.)

Things that happened around the world

Just another prick in the wall: The US says they don’t need no government, but we all could use some education! So here’s the Most Powerful Country On Earth™ : 800,000 government employees aren’t being paid because The Most Powerful Man of Earth™ is throwing a tantrum, refusing to sign any government spending bill (normally a matter of routine) unless it has $5 billion allocated for an impractical border wall (even his former supporters are pissed off) and even walking out of a meeting. This is the longest shutdown in US history (a record) which is fitting given its president is having the longest meltdown. Think of it as the equivalent of your dream vacation, which you’ve been planning for years, being ruined because the cat took away your passport and refuses to give it back. So several employees aren’t showing up for work and hence, the rest of America that IS making money is getting a lesson in “where exactly do government employees work?”. The answer: Everywhere from airports to food inspections to parks, some places that mandate employees to come in, even if not being paid. Superpower™, ladies and gentlemen. (Please, Robert Mueller, hurry up).

Mad in China: Kim Jong-un met Xi Jinping without telling anyone and it feels like your boss is meeting with your dealer and you’re feeling a tad jittery about it all.

Meddle East: The US in a summit in Cairo: “We’re going to do some military actions which are contradictory to what our president says, but that’s ok. Also, Saudi—good job. Heh, not on that journalist killing thing, but for annoying Iran who we hate.” Superpower™.  

Seas and desist: Oceans are heating up 40 per cent faster than we thought they were which means we’re more screwed! Hey, on the bright side, you won’t need that many wetsuits when diving now (of course, you might not have that much more to see). Good thing then that the US is going the other way and polluting the skies—US carbon emissions rose for the first time since 2010. Superpower™.

Dealaying the inevitable: You gotta feel sorry for the UK, in any other era, Brexit would have made them the prime laughing stock of the world. Alas, Trump has ensured that title goes to the US. Now we know what it feels like to be Stuart Macgill. Or George Harrison. What’s the update? Well, there was yet another crucial vote (that was supposed to happen in December) this week, but the writers of Brexit leave us on a cliffhanger each week so it May or May Not be the end.

Asylum alaikum: A Saudi teen in Bangkok who renounced her religion had to fight for her life against deportation and told her story through Twitter. She’s now been granted asylum by Canada.

Tech & Biz

Off the mark: A great way to start any new year is by looking at Mark Zuckerberg’s yearly challenge. This year he wants to talk to people more … On his own talk show?

Alexa, call Alex: Did you know Madagascar—yes that one—is now a hotspot for BPO?  Our ignorant selves can only think of a call centre that goes “What is it, tell me! What is it, please tell me! Okay fine, don’t tell me”.

Jeff off: Jeff Bezos and his wife, MacKenzie, split up. Meanwhile, New York doesn’t mind divorcing from Amazon.

Trick or tweet: Some people in China had the temerity to use Twitter to criticise the government. What happened next was sadly predictable. Interrogation, detention, threats to family. Hello, 1984!

Back to the future: The biggest consumer electronics event on the planet just concluded (setting the tone for tech for the rest of the year) so here’s a TL;DA (attend): 5G and 8K ain’t happening anytime soon, Uber and a bunch of partners unveiled a gigantic prototype of a flying taxi, Samsung’s got new jaw-dropping TVs while LG’s got rollable ones (!), Hyundai’s got walking cars (!!), Intel’s making more powerful chips, there are friendlier robots, and a whole host of laptops and accessories. There was Yubikey (a physical device that secures computers) which has been around for a while, but now Apple has allowed it to work on their systems and since white people care only about iOS, now everyone will know about it. We also saw a lot of companies cooperating and doing things together rather than in silos (what a nice change from how the government works). It’s nice to see women’s sex-tech becoming less taboo, though there’s a fair way to go. And yes, of course, it’s CES, so there was an IOT-connected toilet. So basically—CES 2019, more of the same.

AI Aiyyo!: The funniest thing this week happened at CES, though: a presenter’s Alexa popped up during his presentation and said: “No, that’s not true” 😀

LinkedOut: The best things we read this week

That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, you can find us in some shady alleyways of the Internet—Twitter (Chuck | Tony) and Instagram (Chuck | Tony). If you liked reading The Third Slip, why not use it as an icebreaker at the water cooler on a Monday morning? It may be more interesting than “Oh, hey! What did you do over the weekend? You know what, scratch that I actually don’t care. I’m just waiting for my coffee cup to fill.” Until next week, may you wander roads less taken and shady alleyways and discover something new and wonderful. Bye!

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