Whomsoever It May Concern
By which we mean:
Hon’ble Chief Minister of Gujarat
His subordinates thereof handling communication
By which we mean:
Every PR agency worldwide
It has been brought to our attention that you have mentioned us in a hit and run case where we were hitherto not involved. Furthermore, we are informed by our lawyers (Bark Sue& Associates) that our name has been dragged into some human rights violation issue where a hypothetical case of one of our members’ deaths and your subsequent hypothetical mourning was brought in as analogy to a far bigger (unrelated) national tragedy. We would like to express our confusion at this analogy. When World War II’s atrocities happened, Germans didn’t say, “this is like a tragic puppy accident for which we take responsibility”. Or at Hiroshima, Harry Truman’s statement did not say, “Even if it was a puppy instead of a nuclear bomb, I’d still be sad”. So yeah, slight bow wow there, don’t get it.
Still you are not at fault. Throughout history, we keep being brought into stories in which we do not belong. “Even a puppy would not be scared” was said by Mr Napolean when his armies refused to march into the Russian winter. “Just puppy love” has been uttered by media outlets to describe serial wedding planner Ms Liz Hurley and lothario spinner Mr Shane Warne’s togetherness, and most recently in a Rajnikanth film, to describe his bravado, right before he beat up 5-600 men, were the lines, “I’m no puppy, I’m the boss” (To which we agree. He is not on the all-India roster of registered puppies, he doesn’t have his puppy PAN).
Why do we get brought into all this? Some in the Indian media suggested that the speech hinted that a particular ethnic minority was being referred to as puppies. We would like you to note that like rice or water or Tata Sky, we are equally (and peacefully) distributed among all ethnicities in India and do not have prejudice of one over the other.
We maybe dogs, sir, but we do our best not to be idiots. We read the newspaper. We paw-tweet. And although popular media paints us as only useful in two-minute Youtube clips being molested by babies (yes, highest views ever, bigger than porn, you’re welcome), or movies portray us as cuddly companions to little stupid children, we are complex dark thoughtful members of society who suffer existential angst as much as anyone else. We suffer when the nation suffers, experience elation at Dhoni’s wins, contemplate suicide at the hopelessness of infrastructure, follow movements in RBI’s policies affecting interest rates and display our approval or disapproval by tail wagging. Tongue out AND wagging means we’re happier at economic reforms (given the current rupee situation, we haven’t had much to wag about).
What I am trying to say with all this is that we don’t run under cars, especially those with red lights on it that move in convoys. To say that we do that would be to insinuate that we are homeless and run around like strays (ugh) whereas the largest portion of us are upper middle class and some even live in Chanel handbags (yes sir, we are beneficiaries of the very economic progress you speak of). We use our kind looks to manipulate people into adoption, or blink our big eyes and are fed often. I know you think we’re cute but we can be bastards (sometimes quite literally. What can we say, we have post-liberalisation India parents who get turned on easily. More Indian wealth= more seedy pets).
What we don’t like however, is to end up being used in a controversial example in a global news agency’s political interview. It is precisely this sort of controversy we look to avoid by our evolutionary cuteness. You will find us in the arms of small children, or doing entertaining things like pretend giggling for families when they tickle our undersides (when really, we totally hate it). What gets us upset and barking is when we are roped into sub-judice matters, sensitive national integration issues, base election politics or Ajay Devgn movies.
Look, we don’t know if you did what everyone’s accusing you of. Or all the brilliant things everyone is praising you for. Just leave us out of it. We wish you best of luck for whatever you are planning and we hope your economy or whatever you want to grow grows at 11,000 percent. Just let us return to our non-committal neural cute status. Go where you have to go in your car and just leave us alone and don’t put us under it, in interviews. Why just us, cats (society president Cc-ed here) or squirrels (I would’ve Cc-ed them but they have a union election which is a tie, so I don’t know who to write to), or any pets that don’t want to be tangled up in your ambitions. We were there when the Gandhis ruled. We’ll be here if you do. Ready to be tickled.
In fact, at a collective meeting of all our members, the 212th annual general meeting, all those present expressed their collective dissent at your statement with a “woof”. Indeed, some even went further with a “woof woof” and were later reprimanded.
Given we understand that most Indians are young and cynical, we do not register our opposition to what you said, like the ruling party does, by saying boring things like “we condemn it in a strongly worded statement” (yawn). Ok, even though, yes this is a statement. Worded. Whatever. Point is, a strongly worded statement, in response to say a massive riot going on outside your house is not much of a response. So what we will do is that we will, in the future, if these sorts of examples continue, just refuse to play with you – resorting to the oft uttered phrase, offense is the best defense.
Please take immediate action so as to avoid a possible future situation when you may want one of us as pets and union policy bans you to have a member.
With Kind Regards,
Hon’y (Acting) Secretary,
All India Association of Cute Puppies (AIACUP),
Western Region (and Nasik)
byCc (as reference) to
Dr. Aristo Cat
3rd window ledge,
Mumbai (President, Life, AICU, All India Cats Union, Mumbai)
PS: All the press are reporting your example mentioned “puppy” so I am writing to you in my current role as body secretary. If you meant dog, my dad actually, Prof. AlsaSen, (you may know him, he’s the Treasurer, FICDI, Federation of Indian Chambers of Dog Commerce& Industry, Western Zone) will be sending a separate letter lodging protest. In triplicate. They have significant investments in your state.