The Central Board of Film Certification takes its job very seriously. Which is why, day before yesterday, it objected to the release of a five-minute experimental film by National Award winner Joshy Joseph on writer (and Naxal-sympathiser), Mahasweta Devi. Why? Because according to the esteemed members of the CBFC, Joseph had mispronounced Devi’s name in his Malayalee accent. Devi has said, “How silly to make it an issue. The manner in which my name Mahasweta Devi is pronounced in the film Serendipity Cinema is absolutely alright.”

But this is the wonder of the CBFC. Who cares what the subject of the film says? The CBFC knows best, even though I can bet my bottom dollar — sorry, rupee — that CBFC chief Pahlaj Nihalani, arbiter of what India must and must not watch on celluloid, will break a few teeth before he can pronounce “Mahasweta” correctly.

Last month, the Sunny Deol-starrer, Mohalla Assi, about the commercialisation of Varanasi, was banned by the CBFC. Varanasi being the same city from which Narendra Modi won during the last Lok Sabha elections.

CBFC has been known for its sensible decisions, but under Nihalani, who was appointed by the Centre in January 2015, the board’s hold over what India should and should not watch has become the stuff of legends. If it wasn’t so worrying, it would be hilarious. For example, the CBFC removed the image of goddess Kali and the words “Adivasi”, “Sarkar” and “Indian figure” from the film, Angry Indian Goddesses. It also shortened the kissing scene in the last James Bond film. Why? Because, say it with me, the CBFC knows best.

No decision of the CBFC surprises me anymore. Yet, the slow mutilation and what now seems to be the euthanasia of Udta Punjab has inspired in me newfound appreciation for CBFC’s dictatorial tendencies.

Udta Punjab is a film directed by Abhishek Chaubey, starring Kareena Kapoor, Shahid Kapur, Alia Bhatt and Diljit Dosanjh. It’s about the drug crisis in Punjab and deals with the role of Punjabi pop music in romanticising drug abuse, migrant labour being used for cultivation and drug trafficking, as well as law and order colluding with politics to ensure the state remains hooked.

All of this is fact and widely reported.

But it seems the CBFC believes fiction must not be based on fact at all. Which is why after requesting a mere 89 cuts in the film, the board has now said that “Punjab” needs to be removed from the title of the film. By the same token, all mentions of “Punjab” in the film must also be erased. Basically, by the end of it, there will be so little of the original film in Udta Punjab that we may as well be shown Pahlaj Nihalani’s ode to Modi instead.

As usual, the bright sparks at the CBFC haven’t realised that by clamping down on Udta Punjab, it’s placed a spotlight on not just the film, but also on the Punjab drug problem and Shiromani Akali Dal’s lack of control over the situation. Thereby, scoring a self-goal in the process.

And frankly, if we can survive Nihalani’s films, even though some of us maybe scarred for life in the process, I think we should be able to survive Udta Punjab. But if this repeated strangulation of cinema carries on, soon all that we will be allowed to see in cinema halls is Pahlaj Nihalani’s paean to our collective lord and master, Narendra Modi.

It’s not just that the CBFC has a deep love for all things Punjabi, or that it takes itself too seriously. The plot is far thicker.

Assembly elections are to take place in Punjab in January 2017. Who’s ruling the roost there? An alliance of SAD and Bharatiya Janata Party. Does that explain why the SAD has been so vociferous in not wanting the film to be released and found an able ally in CBFC?  As SAD MLA Virsa Singh Valtoha from Amritsar said, “We will continue to welcome this movie as long as no party or the Punjab community is slammed. If the film is about a societal issue, only then we welcome it.” Last I checked, drug abuse and use was a societal issue, but maybe SAD and its members think it’s the norm in Punjab.

SAD spokesman and state minister Daljit Singh Cheema also said, “the movie is tarnishing the image of Punjab and its people by showing them as drug addicts”. Could it be that he actually means that the film is tarnishing the SAD’s image, and showing us that the party has done nothing to stem the drug problem in Punjab? The BJP, of course, has maintained a studied silence through this entire controversy.

In the middle of all this, there has been a mutiny in the ranks. Ashoke Pandit, CBFC member (not for long I suspect) and upholder of freedom of expression — who previously said “Lynching you (Tanmay Bhat) is my freedom of expression” — has gone against the fold. He has stated that asking for these cuts is an insult to freedom of expression, and “what kind of situation are we heading to?” He’s also claimed that the decisions have been taken arbitrarily by Nihalani, a grouse that he’s had against the CBFC chief for a while.

The bonhomie and professionalism exhibited by the CBFC makes me feel even more warm and fuzzy when I think about how this is the group that determines what cinema may or may not have a theatrical release in India. The board and its Chairperson is decided by the Central government and therefore may have to show some fealty to the powers that be — that is but expected. That not one member of the CBFC including its chairperson has shown any finesse in film-making is common knowledge, unless showing various women thrust their breasts into the faces of their male co-stars and have male co-stars thrust their groins right back in appreciation is a form of accomplishment. In that case, you would appreciate this retrospective of Nihalani’s cinematic oeuvre. I hope you’ve realised what good hands the CBFC is in.

To state the obvious, pop culture including cinema is one of the greatest tools of documenting what a society is undergoing. Which is why it is important to watch neo-realist cinema from the Forties in Italy by Frederico Fellini, or Leni Riefenstahl’s films to understand Nazi history. Or why patriotic characters like Captain America were created while America was at war. It’s also why films such as We Need To Talk About Kevin, a fictional take on a school massacre by a student, or Gulzar’s Maachis are important to chart what mars and marks a society at a given time.

If you’re going to censor any art or cultural expression which portrays reality, then how are we different from the Emergency? I refuse to believe that our Central government is unaware of what is happening with Udta Punjab. And if it isn’t involved in this fracas, it should take a long relook at the people it has appointed to play judge and jury over what the country can and cannot see.

The author can be reached on twitter @rajyasree