“Celebrities never get away with anything.”

“In fact, they pay the price (for being a celebrity).”

The first of those sentences was said by Karan Johar to Salman Khan. The second was by Khan himself. We all know being a mega superstar in a film-crazed nation like India is tough. (Even if it ensures you affording a battery of the best lawyers who most people can’t even get an audience with.) So, my heart melted a little for poor KJo and Salman Bhai, both of whose hearts were melting a little bit for themselves.

And I understand the sorrow. Say you allegedly ran over a couple of people when you were drunk, then you said you didn’t, then your driver suddenly said he did it. Witnesses went missing, testimonies became contradictory and then you were acquitted. You also allegedly killed a black buck while on a film shoot. That case is yet to reach a verdict. You’ve also had a little stint in lockup. Then you went on your friend’s talk show, which is watched by lakhs. Of course, you are allowed your moment of pathos and your friend is only expected to pat you on the back and commiserate.  

Last evening, if you were a Salman Khan fan, you were spoilt for choice. At 9pm, you could watch Salman Khan on Bigg Boss on Colors or you could watch him on Koffee With Karan at the same time on Star. On both channels, Salman was Being Salman Khan, the all-round good guy. This was the 100th episode of Koffee With Karan. Entertainment pages of various newspapers had been wondering whether Salman would appear with his one-time girlfriend and current friend, Katrina Kaif or not. But instead of Kaif, we got Arbaaz Khan and Sohail Khan.

For all Khan’s wildness off camera, he has a very sombre and family-guy persona when he’s on camera. He’s not like Shah Rukh Khan, who will say something flippant or risqué in an interview. Forget saying something risqué, Khan doesn’t even play a villain, kiss or look remotely sexually at his heroines in his films. Every weekend on Bigg Boss, when Khan hosts the elimination episode, he plays the disciplinarian and moral compass. He hauls contestants over the coals for misbehaviour (in all fairness, in a better world, all the contestants should have been fed to hungry animals), gives them homilies and tells them how to be a better man. He also ends each episode by telling audiences to respect their mothers.

The day before Koffee With Karan, on Bigg Boss, Salman gave a Swami-ji who is a contestant a bollocking for calling one contestant ugly and saying that another’s mother should die and then for urinating in a mug in the Bigg Boss kitchen – in front of all other contestants. Khan said he was working with the BMC to build public toilets and this kind of behaviour was intolerable. Not only was Salman a good man, he was also a civic citizen.    

On Koffee With Karan, his persona remained the same. He was self-deprecating, soft-spoken, witty at rare moments, and basically a gentleman. He complimented both his brothers and said that they’re more talented than him and he had just got lucky. To Arbaaz and Sohail’s credit, they both said that wasn’t really true because they got as many breaks as him and were still unsuccessful. Salman refused to talk about the woman in his life and heaped praise on Katrina Kaif each time her name was mentioned.  He said – and his brothers vouched for this – that just because Salman has broken up with someone, it doesn’t mean the Khan family ostracised them also. He refused to play Hook Up-Marry-Kill because gentlemen and seniors don’t play such games on camera. Everyone praised Salman’s work ethic and dedication. It was all wonderfully heartening.

To be fair, Arbaaz and Sohail seemed funnier than I had expected and more blasé than most Bollywood people. Arbaaz sportingly cracked many jokes about the dismal state of his marriage. Sohail seemed proud to still have a marriage. And they genuinely seemed to get along and have an easy camaraderie. Did we learn anything new other than Sohail and Salman used to share their underwear? No. Although we did find out that Arbaaz Khan is an Adonis for women, which was quite the shocker.  

But what we did see was Salman Khan as a restrained, polite, mature man – almost preparing himself to take over Amitabh Bachchan’s shoes when the time comes. Another superstar whose peccadilloes (although in all fairness he hasn’t run over anyone or killed an endangered animal) are only mentioned in stage whispers.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Salman should start beating up people and behaving like a buffoon every time he is in front of the camera. It’s nice to see a well-mannered actor and one as hardworking as Salman, despite being 50. But if you didn’t know about Salman’s chequered past and your only introduction to him was on Koffee With Karan or Bigg Boss, you would truly believe that Being Salman Khan is Being Human. Here stands the perfect Indian man – family guy, bread-earner, respecter of women, and a friend in need.

And there lies the brilliance of public memory and public personas. Other than for saying that celebrities get the short end of the stick, Karan Johar didn’t mention Salman’s multiple brushes with the law (and I’m really being kind in my description here) even once. It’s like the drunk driving or halal-ed Black Bucks never happened. Khan’s past has been wiped clean. And we are along for the ride. One TV show at a time.