Eclipses always bring destruction in their wake. And lunar eclipses usually mark endings and culminations and their effects can be felt for weeks to come. This is of course only if you believe in sanskaar and tradition and the puraans. And as we were made well aware over the last few years, Pahlaj Nihalani – erstwhile chief of the Central Board Of Film Certification – is a traditional man. Upholding the values of our forefathers and ancestors. And therefore, it seems the stars were not aligned for Nihalani-ji, following the lunar eclipse of August 7. Because yesterday, Nihalani was summarily dethroned by the Great Leader – as communicated to us by the new Lady Of The I & B Manor, Smriti Irani – and is no longer going to determine what we can and cannot watch on celluloid.

The sanskaar has finally gone out of our lives.

My heart goes out to Nihalani. Crowned King of the Censor Board (because that’s what all CBFC chiefs think the board is called) in January 2015, few men have shown their fealty as faithfully as Nihalani has. He made two music videos for Prime Minister Narendra Modi with the most recent one being Mera Desh Hai Mahaan, he referred to Modi as his “action hero” and he took on the mantle of the nation’s sanskaari uncle with vigour. He was going to save the country from our cultural downfall, one kiss and one film at a time. But to what end? To have Irani come on-board and say, “Off with his head” without even a “by your leave”? Life can be so unfair.

And now thanks to his guillotining, there is no one to save us from rampant homosexuality, fornication, lady-oriented films and – steel yourself – from hearing the words “cow”, “Gujarat” or “Hindu India” on screen. This may well be the end of days.

Nihalani has given us so much to remember him by. Let’s first thank him for bringing the working of the CBFC into focus. If not for his arbitrary decisions, we would not have realised that the CBFC has started over-extending its powers from simply certifying films, to playing Big & Easily Offended Brother and determining what we can or cannot see. Nihalani has ensured, that the functioning of the CBFC is suddenly in focus.

Then there were Nihalani’s many skirmishes. He told Indian audiences how long it was permissible for Daniel Craig to be kissing Monica Bellucci in Spectre. Udta Punjab underwent EIGHTY-NINE cuts and the producers were told to remove all references to Punjab from the film and the title – because we must pretend that Punjab doesn’t have a drug problem. CBFC asked Anushka Sharma to reduce the violence in NH10 by “30 per cent”. Fifty Shades Of Grey wasn’t even allowed to be released in India. Nihalani asked that the word “intercourse” be removed from the trailer of Jab Harry Met Sejal, because we might hear the word and instantly start copulating with whoever was standing next to us. But for some reason he didn’t think there was anything offensive about the trailers or posters of Mastizaade and Grand Masti.

Nihalani is also not a fan of homosexuality. He, much like our government and the Supreme Court, thinks that homosexuality is an aberration. And the impressionable citizens of India must be protected from the scourge of the world of gays. Which is why, a film such as Aligarh was given an Adult certificate. As he succinctly asked at the time, “Tell me, is the subject of homosexuality for kids? For teenagers?” He was and is so disturbed by homosexuality, he even removed the lesbian scene from Charlize Theron’s new movie, Atomic Blonde. Unrestrained violence and murder is fine, but consensual sex between two adults is a strict no-no in the world of Nihalani. Of course, the lewd gestures, offensive gay jokes and characters and light molestation and stalking in Hindi films such as Grand Masti, Housefull and so on is fine.

Nihalani-ji, you see, was a man of contradictions. After all, he was heading the CBFC despite saying that, “I don’t see any (films), I just make them go through the examining committee. I don’t see a single movie, because as per rules I can’t see any movie”.

Which if you watch Lipstick Under My Burkha, a film which he refused to give a certification to because it was “lady-oriented”, is made patently obvious. If Nihalani had watched the film till the end, he would have realised that the film is actually a rap on the knuckles for independent women. It tells us that we can do whatever we want, but ultimately we have to toe society’s norms and lead bleak lives determined by the menfolk. It’s a film which he should have insisted all women watch, so that we never step out of line or our burkhas.

But Nihalani’s contribution to cinema came into even greater focus last week when news emerged that CBFC had refused to give a certification to a documentary on Amartya Sen, The Argumentative Indian. Why? Because the documentary-maker had refused to beep out the words, “cow”, “Hindutva idea of India”, “Gujarat” and “Hindu India” from a speech Sen makes.

It is moments and decisions such as these, that make Nihalani’s contribution to the world of cinema in barely two years, so memorable. He ended his innings by first asking the news channel, Mirror Now to get 1 lakh votes from people in support of not removing the word “intercourse” from the Jab Harry Met Sejal trailer. He then followed it up by filing a police complaint against Mirror Now’s reporter Himanshi Chaudhary for harassment, breach of privacy and intimidation – all because she asked him questions about his stand on the JHMS trailer. His swan song though, has been to ask for 48 cuts in Nawazuddin Siddiqui’s Babumoshai Bandookbaaz, despite giving it an ‘A’ certificate.

What I have come to suspect is that maybe Nihalani-ji simply misses working in films. Maybe he wants to be a film editor. And maybe, finally, thanks to Irani showing him the door, Nihalani can focus on bringing us great sanskaari cinema sans intercourse, homosexuality, cuss words – but with a fair amount of sexual innuendo and simulated sex as in his films of yore.

But while Nihalani trots off on a holy cow into the saffron sunset, I’d hold my breath before rejoicing. I know his successor Prasoon Joshi seems like a saner man than him, but I’d give it a few months before singing paeans to him. Government appointees have an odd way of suddenly seeing the world and their responsibilities through government-tinted glasses. And let’s not forget that Nihalani’s sanskaari absence will be filled by new CBFC appointee and the Right’s cheerleader, Vivek Agnihotri. We may well start missing Nihalani before the month is over.

This could well be the best of times. Or the worst of times.

The author can be reached on Twitter @rajyasree.

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